:::"Would you like sugar on your sugar roll?":::

it's really a damn hard thing to understand when i was at Mobil, near Yew tee Mrt. i asked for a sugar roll, and the fella asked me if i wan sugar with that. hmmm... is that anyone who actually buy a sugar roll without the sugar?

hmmm life isnt so good for my boy. had an accident and his miniscus somehow gave way to his knee. quite a bad swollen knee. but it's funny to see one knee skinnier that the other. hee... i hope he feel much better after today. took him around town. it's been a long time since we actually spend time together.

so i was contemplating on getting the eMac. it's such a cool chic. i really like it. but the cash just isnt enough. and then... it just happen. Ady called me up regarding giving away a comp. he's actually gonna change most of the stuff for me. more Gigb, 512 for ram, Pro... bla bla... and the list goes on. so i was thinking, since i cant have the money yet to get the eMac, let's just stay with this second-look cpu. now, i gotta find money to get a cool monitor.

::: i wish :::

sometimes, i just wish people keep to their word. many  of us, yes, are not perfect. But there's this thing about us,homo-sapiens, to not keep to our word. we say that we'll wake up in the morning to jog, then in the end we sleep late. tt's not my point actually. the point it, keeping to our word is very important.

if it's not important to you, it's important to me. yes, i sometimes do not keep to my promises. but i try my best to make up for it. did you? i know it's my fault that things turned out to be this way, but i guess my assurance doesnt assure you.

if only anyone can open up my heart and see what's going on in there. Rather than trying to open up my mind. regrets do run in there, but sometimes, regrets are just guidelines to show you the way to a suicidal path. no point looking at regrets. it's best to just move on and find better means for solution.

but you're not trying.

i thought maybe if i can wind up time again, all will be better. but i dun think it's neccessary now. cause what has happened, showed me the real colours you have inside. winding time again, would mean your colours to be hidden forever.

i wish u know what it feels like to be me.

::: thanks alot,kiddo! :::

so i've ended my nightmare at Evergreen Sec. Half an hour ago, to be exact. sigh.... wat a chore to be there.at least the money is good. i learn alot about myself by being there, actually. it totally test my patience. oh well, just wait til the next school.

 

::: it takes time,i guess :::

so many things have happen. and  i think it wont end so early as in now. it will take time,dear. tomorrow, he will have to pig out his guts to meet mummy. i pray for it to go on smoothly. i just hope mummy wont be hard on her. i love both of them. but it's very very important that she will love him too. otherwise, i will sure be at loss.

anyway, Ita's chalet was great. did alot of chilling with her frens and my other sis' frens. beer, fags, and gambling.... wat else? hahahah... nothing can beat the feeling of being the youngest adult among the grown ups.

i love you ,mummy.

::: finally the cold shoulder is fading :::

yup. my mummy has been giving me the cold shoulder these days. secrets revealed, heart broken, tears rolled down. i know i let her down . i do. it's bad enough i ache her.

but it's ok. things come clean, but still, the dirt is still there.

my boy is involved. i feel so sad that he is. when i do something wrong, i rather take it all by myself. but now he's involve.sigh....

i'm sorry,momma. i never meant you. i never meant to make you cry. just tonight, i'm cleaning up my closet.

sigh...

::: i was just looking forward for the weekend :::

it's been a long week with "budak-budak setan". in other words, really naughty kids. remind me not to name my daughter "Sophia". babysit so many class and taught science to these jingbangs, it tougher than i thot. all they do is talk,talk,talk. i wonder if i was that talkative. i dun mind if they talk. kids are kids. but when they start to talk back to you in a very defiant way, that's my limit,my friend. arghhh.... one more week at evergreen......

but in fact, i think i'll miss being in my graduating class. their really nice. i mean, if i can speak their language, they can understnd me.

i was really looking forward for the weekend. until some distraction just have to happen. let's see, i wonder what are the distractions? hmmm... oh. like parents fighting in civil war non-stop? like i have to travel to tampines all by myself? argh... why do they always argue?!!! i 'm really sick and tired of this. i wish i could just shut them up like i did to my students.i hate this. i really do. i hate it.i hate it.i hate it.i hate it.i hate it.i hate it.i hate it.

why isnt the world becoming a better place to live?

btw, ZAIHAN!!! i cant log into your site. argh.... and have u added me in the msn??? your old one not werking huh??

::: Head over heels :::

ahhh..... my first day as a teacher. it wasnt so bad. especially with Cikgu Fairuz to guide me here and there. hee... the kids are just "ok". some classes are pretty handful. arghhh... but..all ends well. my feet hurt cause of wearing heels whole day. it's pretty ok now.
 
rain... love the sound of it. dun u?

::: i'm such a love fool :::

it was such a beautiful morning even though it was drizzling. Kevin Little was on the radio. and i was shaking my ass in my bucket seat. zooming thru the road was so peaceful, with no traffic.

he broke my heart.

filled up the tank, not so much. cause kinda budget. thinking of wat to wear on saturday for the orientation thingy. it was nice. It was nice to drive thru a traffic-free morning.

he broke my heart.

met my boy at his place. helped him pack for his new home. glad he finally decided to moved out of that hell-hole. nice morning chat with his aunt. notti goblins. period. that was the end of my nice morning.

he broke my heart.

made our way to my sis place to send some "goods". but he just had to remind me of the bank thingy. the one that he had to change his address. so we made a stop at UOB near Boon Lay Place.

he broke my heart.

so there i was. trying not to burst my tears. he broke my heart. really broke my heart. i thought i knew the word trust. well, trust don't seems to exist anymore in my dictionary. he broke my heart. lying is definitely not a way to help a "friend". you broke my heart, and you very well know what you did. YOU broke my heart. sorry dun change any feelings i have right now.

you broke my heart.

i finally have a title for my next song. You broke my heart.


Alicia Keys - If I ain't Got You
Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power, yeah
Some people live just to play the game
Some people think that the physical things define what’s within
And I been there before but that’s life’s a bore, so full of the superficial

Chorus:
Some people want it all, but I don’t want nothing at all
If it aint you baby, if I aint got you baby
Some people want diamond rings, some just want everything
But everything means nothing if I aint got you, yeah

Some people search for a fountain
The promise is forever young
(You know) Some people need 3 dozen roses
And that’s the only way to prove you love them
Hand me the world on a silver platter
And what good would it be?
With no one to share with no one who truly cares for me

Chorus:
Some people want it all, but I don’t want nothing at all
If it aint you baby, if I aint got you baby
Some people want diamond rings, some just want everything
But everything means nothing if I aint got you, you, you
Some people want it all, but I don’t want nothing at all
If it aint you baby, if I aint got you baby
Some people want diamond rings, some just want everything
But everything means nothing if I aint got you, yeah

If aint got you with me baby, ohh, ooo
Say nothing in this whole wide world don’t mean a thing
If I aint got you with me baby.

aimless

i hate the feeling. but it feels good to be talking to you.

::: it's a neutral feeling,i think :::

met up with my FBIL (future bro-in-law) yesterday. he told me some news. some news that led me to dilemma.it was a true neutral feeling. seriously. i thought it was long gone, but it seems to be back. just like a slap. hmmm... well,i told my boy about it. Wow! he was "encouraging". hahah... claimed it to be an ol-flame still have the hots. but i dun think it's true. i mean, i know he really moved on. dun ask how i know, i just do. well, it's pretty obvious i had moved on. but u know when some things are left unfinish, u feel like there's this guilt running over you? well, i'm not having that feeling. heheh...

besides, he's happier when i'm not around.i just need to know.

so anyway, went around Spore to get some things to be paid today. Took Fai with me in the late afternoon. got my boy some pretty stuff that i hope he'll like.well, i think he will love it, especially if it comes from me. hehehe...

my bitchy sister is less bitchy these days, due to her wisdom tooth. ha!! just got back from visiting her with mum. she looks pretty hot with the swollen mouth. hahah... yes, i'm laughing at her with the fact that, i haven GOT my wisdom tooth taken out. but hey, laughter must step in. otherwise, it'll be such a sad MC leave for her! hehhehe...

my little ryan is growing up. sigh.... i wish he will never. but he is. sigh....

::: call me an escapist, i dun care :::

some frens, ex-boyfriends and other dingbangs whom i can't be associate with, said i was practically an escapist . Especially with the C word. COMMITMENT. i can't help it. i was brought up in the life where not many would rather be. yes, i can commit to a person, but i can;t ensure that the word M would step in any time soon. Marriage. NO WAY. seriously. the reason i had to talk about this is the fact that i witness another couple fighting.

So it's 12am, after a game of badminton and slack period with the guys,i reached home, parked the car at my favorite deck and stepped down. there was this couple who started to quarrel. i walked away and as i step into my kitchen, i could see them fighting in the MSCP. the hubby was basically slapping and hitting the wife. the wife was crying and shouting her lungs out. imagine this, i could hear them from my home.

i know couple arguments are common. but when a husband starts to lay a finger on his wife, he lost his whole rights. seriously. I'm speaking from experience. another reason why i hate to ever think about marriage is because of my parents. yes, i blame them. I blamed the fact that i had to sleep in fear each night. I blame them for the fights they have. I blame them for the bruises and red marks on my mum that my so-called DAD had to do. I blame them for making this family a wreck. and also, I blame them for making me live in an environment that any child will grow up being hateful.

i know it's wrong to say bad things about parents. but truthfully, i hate him. i really do. i love my mum. but i hate him. i can cry til blood flow, but he wont stop. he just wont stop. i hate him when he hits my mum. i hate him when he hits my sister. i really do. sometimes in life, you have to know what is right and wrong. and what he did is wrong. wrong to my mum. and wrong to me.

Anyway, like i said, marriage wont cross my mind as yet. in the start, of course it will all be lover-dovey. but you'll never know what will happen in the future. so why waste your life in a unpredictable marriage, when you can actually do other things with tha time wasted.

dun try to talk me out, like saying things like "It depends your partner." "Choose the right partner". bullshit. really bunch of bullshit. no man is perfect.

i just hate it when i talk about my family. and dun ask why my name is not my name on my name card. all beacuse, i dun care.

the end. (but not the end of my life,saddly)

::: i can breathe abit now :::

so...the issue is out. everyone said it's good and nice and colourful. well, i hope they were serious. cause for a start, i think they are just trying to please me. sigh...

so anyway, orientation was great. get to meet the freshies and some ppl from JI too. Naila and Syu were among of them. great stuff!hmm..Pam was there??! didnt see her though. heheheh...for a true fact, many asked how's bayu. but hey, it's over. it kinda hurt to know that people actually thought we're still together.sigh.... as sadness filled my eyes, i have to just walk away from those type of conversation. besides, he's happy with my so-called back-stabbing ex-classmate of ours. life's a bitch!

despite of the weather, i think the orientation plan was a blast. I think Alvin and his exco did a fantastic job. Even though i escaped here and there, but i did still put in some effort. hee.... oh yeah, thanks Gir for being my partner. i think we should find Sajjan and get our revenge!!!

let's talk about my nice day today. hmmm..... Well jamming was a blown away thingy. GY was pissed about the peeps who were suppose to turn up and the fact that the keyboards weren't available. I think Keith was pissed too. he tuned his guitar and all... in the end we had to cancel the whole session. chills keith! as for me, the chill and relax fiddy just have to be cool for the rest to see. in fact I'M FREAKING PISSED!! hee... but i'm ok now. after a nice drive along the road,with music blasting while i sing my hearts out....

spent the whole night with mummy. hmm.. wat a change fiddy! a saturday night with mummy. went to the market with her for her school stuff then visited my sis place. i guessed it's not so bad to chill with mummy. at least i'm bonding with her! in fact, she kinda admit that she like my boy. ehhe...chills....

::: holiday are for the hopeless:::

so i thought maybe a nice backpacking trip would do me good since so many things have happen. but it didnt work for me.

so many things going on.all at the same time. and it's all because of one thing. MONEY. yes yes, money is the root of all evil. i dunno whther or not to pity my dad. but on the other hand, he seems to care or less. leaving all the burden to my mum.... and me. i hate this life. i'm 21,still schooling,still parasit-ing and yet, so hopeless... it's true that on the surface i seems so OK with everything. but for a true fact, i ain;t like that. i have so much to worry for. i know how my mum would tell me not to worry and everything will be alright. but it will never be. it CAN never be. my dad is as stubborn as a mule.if only he said yes to the house deal.then at least we all can breathe as easily. this thursday, he's a wnated man. i'm not joking when i say this. i pray for you dad, but if only u look into mum's sad eyes and start to think about me and her. the world does not only evolve around yourself only.

i just wish all of these would go away. and i suppose if i were to start doing my part, my first step would be to stop school and get a real job to help around the house. maybe i should consider that.

sigh...so fiddy aint so strong anymore,is she?

kap khoom kap.....

ahhhh.... the sadness filled my eyes when i touched down on this so-called lion city.kiss my arse. argh... i love samui. in fact, i love every single thing about it. the wind,the heat,the things and the people!!!!

Samui/Phangan is definitely a place that all should go and ease the minds. i did. in fact,i totally slacked. ate like a pig, shop like a tai-tai and BUBBLE BATH!!! for a second, i looked like Monggo from Shrek2. oh, have i said that we drank to our hearts each night. in fact, the last day, we couldnt finish up the Vodka, we gave it away to the Beach Boys. nice peeps smoking weed. anyway, the trip was too short!!!! I MUST make another trip there.

i haven tell you about the Full Moon Party,have i? IT WAS AWESOME!!! so many White buds, chicarnos, and not to forget, the german butts. Songsam sure taste good when u're in need of a good time. th moon was bright and yellow like it promised to be. awesome. the trip around Samui was great. we rent a jeep and went from Chaweng to Lamai, to Nathon, to boPhut. ooo we managed to track up to the highest hill which was merely 630m above sea level. the scenery was just .... awww man.... you should have been there.

i must make a yearly trip to the FMP thingy. it's just great.

Oh by the way, i hate the first moment i touched down here. typical Singapore. arghhhh.... it's not the part of being asian a problem, it's the part where NO GOOD SERVICE exist here. so i was at the Departure floor in Changi. getting a bottle of JD for my sis. i placed the bottle on the table and took out my wallet. the salesgirl (freaking biatch!) look at me like i was still having bubble foam on my head,with no greetings or even a mere smile, told me off to go and get my "stuff" at the Arrival hall. how pissed can u get. i mean like haloooooo!!!! can't you just be polite, give a smile and just say "Sorry miss, but can you purchase your bottle at the arrival hall instead? we only accept payment for buyers who are departing for flights." why why why!!!! wat the hell? that's the main reason why i hate singapore. typically stereotypes. try going to thailand wearing that attitute! f*cking bitch.

so anyway, now back in Singapore. sigh... werk,werk,werk. eh wait a minute! i forgot, i'm out of werk! hahahah... shall just ease for a week or so. then maybe take up the job that i found. hee.... oh have i said that the world is getting is getting smaller? someone from the past got the job that i was offered 2 months ago. weird. glad i didnt take that job. otherwise i would be werking with him. tish!



The view from Bophut Pier. if your see carefully, you can see the big buddha!


this is the only route to take from Chaweng to Lamai. aint it pretty?!


never ask a local to take a picture for you using a digital camera.


ahhhh the wind from the pier!


just taking a picture of myself while the birthday boy talk to the divers.


ahhh the FMP!!!


the dj who rocked the night with the RnB beats!!! he's thai,fyi.





this faces do not say "we're tired!"