ku katakan yang indah

ku katakan yang indah

u know when ur close frens cares when they all smsed u at the same time. sheesh.. talk about being frens. anyway, life has been stagnant. thot of meetin some frens on this nice sunday. but bubble burst. i gotta work. sigh.

it's funny how others bumped back easily, cos they have their other choices of prospective-to-be-s. they throw u down, leave u to die with a simple sorry and move on easily, knowing that it's a better day for them the next day since they know u're not the only one left in the world. where has the feeling of guilt and remosrseful went to? oh wait... the remorseful part is diverted back to me. yea, of cos, the little me who practically has no life. the one who works all day just to keep busy from thinking of the "non-guilty" parties. the one who avoids all social affairs now. the one who practically, do not have faith in any of the opposite sex for the next very long time. and does anyone care?

and when close frens says they know exactly how u feel, u know that's all comforting words. knowing me, i wouldnt believe any bit of that. no one can be in the same exact position as i am. it's not tt i dun appreciate them, but maybe because i'm still tt fiery and anguish person. my gawd, i've become a mean person, haven't i?

sigh... how i wish i'm with my old boy in vietnam now.

kata kata mu hanya mimpi di siang hari.

kata kata mu hanya mimpi di siang hari.

my gawd.. my day went so wrong. so much daydreaming. so many smses coming from my pillars of strength. k and isk had been so encouraging. isk, on one hand, gave me the expected advise. he would scold me first, then he started to console me. k, on the other hand, would tell me that it's all God's will and then tells me that it's all a test. yea, true. tests. i thot i'm so over that word. Tests. Syu had been nice too.she could probably just be the 3rd pillar to hold on to. my sister and bro? sigh. they have no idea. somehow, i have this urge to just cry out to my sis, but i cant possibly make her worried about me.my bro on the other hand, kept making the usual hints and everything. sorry bro, it wont happen. he's probably the last person i wanna meet or talk about.

Met the old skumz. ahhh.. they are best laughing gas anyone would need. never fail to brighten my life. i'm so glad i have them. i really do love them so much.

gonna be a new month soon. just hope it will be a good one. sigh.... God, pls make me smile again like i used to. please. i miss my old self. i missed my bleached hair, my sarcastic remarks and my laughing hyena self.

i didnt asked for the advance

i didnt asked for the advance

it's almost 6am. no, i didnt wake up early. i just got home. from settings of Simei and Pioneer's shops. it was a hell of a night for me. besides the toe injury as an external pain, internal pains seems to excruciate more than that. really. as a start, when i ended my 2005, i was so determined to make 2006 the great year. but more than half of the year past, and here i am. receiving pretty much twice of that pain in 2005. i guess i asked for too much. i probably should have had my brakes checked.

surprisingly, my best fren Khai called at the moments when i was trying to control certain outburst at the wee hours in the morning. it was amazing how best frens like him think. somehow, it was sixth sense that took him to actually surprised me with his call. was suppose to hear about his China trip. but all ends badly when i said some stuff about me. yes, Fiddy.... u are so manja that sometimes u think the world evolves around u. but him, being the person i know he is, advise on the expectations of a person like me have. one line that i caught from him, was that "It always feel shitty when u put yourself out there and expect someone to catch u. But when u leap, there might never be someone to catch u." pretty much it is so true. dun expect this to come from my other bestie,Isk. he will surely gonna give me the "I told you so" tone. but hey, i still love the 2 of them to the max. even though, they are pretty much busy with their gfs and respective lives, i'm glad to say that, their words sometimes make me stronger than i thought of myself.

oh, have i ever mention how much a certain action means to me? i bet if any of my ex-bf reads this part, they will be nodding their heads. the action of the actual touch of my hands. all along, my hands are probably the most sensitive part of me. really. so, to really hold my hand, it would actually means that i'm letting u hold my heart. i know i sound so mushy in this early hours. but it's true. very little ppl know tis about me. that is why, i tend to avoid the touch of my hands onto anyone else's (except for other girls.) . and i'm so sad to say that, perhaps i was too gullible to actually led myself off guard.

by the way, if u gonna re-read this blog entry, make sure u imagine that i wrote this in the most sarcastic way,yet truthful.

am i an angry person now? not yet. i'm just angry at myself. wat's gonna happen now is that, i'm closing on to this chapter of my life and moving on to a new chapter. no point brooding over spilled milk. for one thing, the whole journey made me realised that my Batam trip was not that sweet after all the acts.

no, not Nick!!!

no, not Nick!!!

my gawd.... Nick is out. i know he wont be the eventual winner for this season 2 of Project Runway, but i love him so much. his designs, his profile, and his personality. sigh.. i cried when he lost. he looked so well wearing Chloe's design outfit. perfect in pick and black. but too bad, i cant find the picture with him wearing that outfit. damn.here' Nick. i'm gonna look out for his future apparels if he will be venturing out.

Pictures

the latest additions to my flickr.com is the batam pictures coming in from my CAMERA, not from Ady. i wont be uploading the ones from his camera cos i think he wont allow me too, as long as no one else gave him theirs. yes, he will only allow for everyone to see the pictures once he gets everyone's pictures from their camera. it was agreed to be this way. anyway, no one replied about the pictures from their camera, so ok lah... u guys are missing out alot. the pictures coming in from tt very digital SLR are excellent. too bad.

my genre

genre.

one thing about me is that, the genres of music i listen to, are too wide. in fact, musci is something i'm passion about as a hobby. and along with that, i have my best friends who adores wat i adores. apparently, i'm a great Indo-scene type of person. so me and Isk would often exchange the current Indo songs that are in our iPod and Zen (respectively). so the "in" song for me is that Nidji and Naff songs. one thing we both agree on the songs we love from Indo is that, the words they used for lyrics are meaningful. u can say jiwang or feeling. but come on, all songs are. i mean, even the westerners are writing songs that are so jiwang and feeling. yes, even the Indies.

so yea, my Lyrics section by the right side is to help along to sing the tune for the week or so tt's stuck in my head. last week was Nidji. this week is Agnes Monica. somehow i feel this song explains certain parts in my life. hee....

the pulau-an

the pulau-an.

the Batam trip had past. laughs, sadness and tickles were the best parts of this trip with the JI gang. i guess we went too far in taking somebody's limitations. but hey, we still love each other. other than that, i think this trip was a mind-bogling and a great experience for all. for a start, everyone was to overcome the culture shock occuring there. hehe. thanks to my bro-in-law, all of us were his models. hehe... sigh.. i love to have a digital SLR myself. anyway, certain issues among frens were raised. somehow or rather, i feel a little different since the trip. i dunno why, but i just do. the feelings had somehow changed. perhaps i'm with the great company. truthfully speaking, my mind had never rest since the great break-up. i know it's been months. but with him hovering in my head, i knew i needed the attention somewhere else. and this Batam trip made me realised certains things that probably hit me with a hammer. thanks u guys. i just love your company. anytime, anywhere.by the way, there was certain parts of the trip that made me realise how painful love can be. this i shall not elaborate.

anyway, these ppl are actually not from my batch during JI. in fact, i'm the least close to anyone from my batch since i've graduated. but surprise,surprise. Bayu actually updated me on the JI gang and showed me the youtube video (below). hee.. looks like the boys are still as close as ever. but hey, i still prefer the KL-Batam JI ppl. hehe.

here are some of my favorite pictures. the rest will have to wait til i get my brother to upload those from his camera.

Carpe Diem FC

not much of a pay day

not much of a pay day

i guess the reason why they call it a payday is because, u have to pay everything u owe to any organisation on the day u get your pay. i had to pay hp bill, internet bills and of cos, the new addition, my long owed study loan (courtesy of "James"). funny how i've ended school, yet i've not finished paying the damn fees.

on happy thoughts.... leaving for Pulau Belakang Padang later on with the JI peeps. this will be the first trip that i'm asking along my side of a family member. hehe... and of cos, the first trip bringing the gang to somehere i really like. i wanted to explore Pulau Sarang too, but the host who suppose to bring us there, is currently working. too bad. perhaps, i'll buy his idea of bringing my frens over on national day. he said that, from Pulau Sarang, u get to see the fireworks from singapore. hehe...

on another happier thoughts, i get to save much more than last payday this time for my secret stash money. hehe... of cos, the money is meant for the India trip. from the looks of it, it's definitely postpone.sigh....talk about friends. some times i feel so unappreciated between certain friends. let see, throughout the uni-life, i helped alot of my friends with their paperwork, school issues and yadda yadda yadda. i'm not asking for a nobel prize or anything, but i just wish sometimes a simple thank you would do. instead, i dun seem to be seen as helpful at all. i got a job for a fren lately at my sis place. then somehow, it seems like a bad idea. yang kena marah aku, bukan kau.

oh oh oh... suppose to be happy thoughts. oh wait. no more happy thoughts. just pure rantings of my daily sucky life. i had a bad event recently at werk. a fren became a customer while i was working. said hi and bye. but somehow, the gf was like acting like some sort of a fussy customer. really. i mean, come on... it's not like u're spending $50 over for food at my place. argh. the best part was, she passed a comment of "Eh, dia pekerja eh? takde kerja lain eh?" was i suppose to hear that? i mean, come on. just because i sweat alot at work, sells burgers or pathetically try to layan those bloody fussy customers, doesnt make me a bad person. yes, singapore is a land of opportunities. yes, i can find a better job. and why am i still at this shop? it's because i'm bloodily waiting for the damn results to be out, so i can land myself on that job that i have been hoping to get by end of this year. bitch, u know. i was so pissed. it's as if, working at pasar malam is so down-grading. it's a job. and i love my job. i get to mingle to lots of ppl from different walks of life. i get to smoke and relax. i get to improve my malay language. and bloody hell, i 'm happy! not like some office pushovers who work in a routine that totally sucks. argh... bodohnya perempuan. make me angry only. oh, at least i dun wear like i work in a nightclub like u do. u're so lucky u're Hidir's gf. otherwise, i would call the Batam Boys to whack u. haha....

anyway, friends are beginning to disappear already. including the so-called best-friends forever. sigh. bila susah, cari kita. bila senang, members kemana. it's so bloody hard to find a fren who u know u can lean on for life. sigh. oh wait. maybe that's wat u call a boyfriend or a husband.

speaking of that, a fren fom JI contacted me recently. a short confession. haha. said he liked me. haha. a brief history of this guy. he is Bayu's best fren in school. practically, wherever Bayu went, i was there. most of the time that is. (i mean, come on.... we were the idealist of the cohort, haha) so anyway, i dun really talk to the best fren. pretty much, this guy was the playboy of my batch. and now he's telling me that he used to like me before Bayu was in the picture. wat the hell? i took everythin as a joke. seriously. a joke. and now, he practically bugging me cos he's starting to woo me again. haha. hey, at least he made me feels like i'm still running a league here. u know... still have a high cost of "saham". haha...

beat hostility with Secret Recipe

beat hostility with Secret Recipe

the event for the post-exams chalet was done over the weekend. it wasn't a blast, but it was quite a break for me.the first night i slept like a baby til late afternoon. haha... even nafil joined. too bad that he had to book in back to camp the next day. Mngs turned up. despite of the infamous attitude for being punctual, i'm glad most came. i did a lot of planning and even took the trouble to travel the other end of Spore to get the chalet. i just wish they could appreciate it. anyway, the second night was spent with Winning Eleven. it brings back to memories of the last time we all played this game. it was when arwahnya was still around. sigh.... missed him so much. he always beats everyone else in Winning Eleven.

i had a few ocurence of hostility during the chalet. i'll just put that aside.

me enjoying my Secret Recipe now. thanks to Pak Ady. hehe... yea, friday. bATAm. the last time i went was years ago when Deedil was there. i do not really can confirm who's going this time, but i'm definitely goin. too bad my sister cant get away from bazaar. well, me and rafiq agreed that he could take care of the closing. but since last night's event, i think my sister would be insecure if he were to take care of the shops' closure.

my life hasn't changed much since i last blog. still living in denial, thinking that there's someone out there for me. everytime, i meet the Mngs for teh-time at night, i envy the partners they have. we're all almost the same age. but the main difference between them and i, is that, they have like a confirm matchmake in their lives. as for me, i'll just wait. keep on waiting.

to end today's entry, here are some pics sent by Khai's gf. it's this really beautiful place in Kedah. my gawd. it looks awesome.

the littlest things

the littlest things

there's so much to blog about. but now, i seem to forget wat. so watever.

i realise that eversince the world cup, almost every blog has their own piece of joy or sadness when Italy won. erm... yippe?

Batam trip... macam takde response aje...... this is the part of the setbacks of being a "suggestor". u cant get everyone. u can't get a definite answer. and perhaps the group is too big to get a definite answer. so, if it's still on, fine. if no, then FINE.

Chalet this weekend seems on. games and ppl are ready. just need to get Isk,Siti,Budi and maybe Fai's presents. since it's hard to assign anyone to do anything, then fine. i'll do it. mana orang tau susah aku...

Met the client recently. great to know i have a new project to do. gotta come up with a prototype for the site first. from there,we'll see how it will go.

RBOS responded. calling me for an interview next month. hmm... tempting, but i have no interest in the banking line. so perhaps, i'll just go and make a fool.

i think i've given too much of this whole best-friend-thing.

Drama turns Reality

Drama turns Reality

My bestie, Isk, just recently came back from Thailand. yippee.. bought me the 60litre backpack! u see, i've been planning with this guy to go to India this year. basically, a good backpack is a start to get us motivated to get into the details. but of cos, he had to find a job first. haha. so yes... i have a new back pack to travel with!! hope it's enough.

yes, i'm finally home to sleep on my bed after nearly 2 weeks of being away. the first thing my mum said to me was, "Dah balik? Ingat dah tak nak balik.... si Busuk pun kau dah bawak kat sana.." haha.. si "Busuk" is my teddy bear, Bearbear. yes, i brought him over to Jurong home and leave Happy alone on the woodlands bed. i'm very manja.... i bring my bearbear almost every time i'm away from home. almost everytime. hee... and of cos, it's a criteria for my hubby-to-be to accept sleeping with bearbear too. that is.... if i EVER get married. haha.

anyway, Kam and his brother told me that he has been sick from fever. hmm....however, saw his Friendster's pics, he looked like he's having a great time now. esp since his dragonboat comps and all. perhaps the distance between us is doing him good. all i ask for from him, is for him to be happy. and in a way, Kam is relating that he is happy. hmmm.. well come on, how can a girl like her can suddenly know so much about him being perfectionist and vain and even knows his perfect present for birthday. sheesh... but of cos, she doesnt know wat's his fav team. BUT of cos, who am i to judge anymore. i've moved on. i've moved from the tears and drama to the reality.

yes, drama. no more drama. i was never a fan of hindustani or England team. and of cos, i'm still a gunner and not a red devil. i am never a fan of WWE, either.

an email came thru from an old fren asking me how's my dating life. haha... dude, i don't think i even have one. for the past 3-4 weeks, i'm like on the go to just keep working or travel here and there. dating life eh? no i do not have one. perhaps, i'm giving it away on my own accord. perhaps i'll just wait for the right person to be my other half. perhaps, just not now. perhaps, he's hiding somewhere in the corner. and perhaps, he will come by when he knows when to come by.

ooo... WC is finally gonna end this weekend. not that i'm a fan,but i'm perhaps a sore loser eversince Nederlands went out. haha. besides than that, i feel that there's seems to be so much of marketing don't over this season. 90% of the advertisements on the tube is related to football. u switch on the m'sian channel, it would be Maxis conquering the mere minutes of advertisements each time. here in s'pore, it would be starhub. great marketing work, u guys! (like haha....)

Aduh Irfidah

Aduh Irfidah....

eversince i started this delivery job, i had to drive everyday. and driving under the scorching sun, tends to put me in a yawning mood. then u know wat i'll do? i'll put on my mp3 songs. the best wake up call is Aduh Saliha. as much as i hate the whole propagandic idol icon of Mawi, i just cant get enough of this song. yes, i will sing at the top of my lungs everytime this song gets play. yes, other drivers will smile or grin when they see me doing it. i just don't care what they think, do i?

then i thought of a huge question. why do many malay songs have girls' name in them, but not my name. i mean, come on!!! even a name like Jesnita and Melissa has been made into a song. when will my name be in one of those top-rocker charts. bleugrh....

many days has gone by, and i have yet to sleep in my own bedroom. sigh.

enough is enough. i've gone thru too much. i just wan my life back. i wan my smiles back. really i do. can u just do that for me?can u just step back and let me breathe?

anyway, a few job offers came by. but all that have to be put on hold. pls don't ask me why.

ooooo... my best fren's wedding is this sunday!!! my gawd.. i'm so excited. yet, i have not pick out an outfit. of cos, me being typically me, will put on the traditional costume. just one problem. tak kan nak pakai baju kurung lawa2, pakai make up .. lepas tu naik Wave, kan? sigh... yes... i'm very manja!!! i must have my own transport to weddings. one of the must-must. anyway, i cant believe she's finally getting married. this is my only girl best fren. known her since my sec days where we would predict who will get married first. she usually wins cos i was apparently not-in-the-dating-scene til i was in JI. she's getting married to this guy who she dated all the way back from sec 4. sigh.... i'm like so happy for them. i just cant wait to see her glowing face when she puts on her wedding dress.

digressing now...

i realise that i'm really not meant to be with anyone. i can't say forever. but it feels that way. it's a like a gut feeling u have everytime u think about the future. it scares me. it makes me feel that i can love but not be loved. it's saddening. it's like... i love helping out my close frens with all their problems. i hang out with the close frens to watch soccer. i'm a perfect candidate for a best fren to anyone. but maybe budi is right. i'm probably the worst gf to anyone. always putting others in front of me before myself or the partner. haha my sister predicted that i will get married late cos i have to take care of my parents. haha. that's demoralising, u know. haha.

or maybe i'll wait for Titi to divorce with his wife and be with me. oh, Titi as in Thierry. Thierry as in Theirry Henri. yes, Theirry Henri. oh by the way, i wore the france jersey while Nafil wore the Portugal jersey today. haha... yea, we know it's a Portugal vs France game right now. we just wore their jerseys despite that neither are our favs. since our favs are out, esp Nederlands, we're pretty torn apart from the whole wc season. booo...

The Mexican

The Mexican

remember the line that julia roberts asked brad pitt the famous line of "How do you know enough is enough?" the ideal answer is actually say "Never." but of cos, tt's all movies. so my ideal answer is basically subjective to wat is "enough".basically, right now, i've had enough. it's July now, me and Nafil was discussing how our first half of the year was like. and boy... i had more to share than he does. basically, tt's "enough". i put with with alot of patience, empty promise and endless of tears, instead of anything achievable for that 6 months. but yea, i had a slice of great events too . like i met the Old Scums Inc,the Ji peeps, got closer to my bestie Khai &Isk and of cos, the biggest event, my finals.

the next half of the year? well, i dunno yet. the plans to go backpacking and getting starting to find a job are on the list. but of cos, this 2nd half, i'll be away from the problems of heart of him. i just wanna be happy. which means, i'm mingling-singly. haha.