hmm

You Are 70% Boyish and 30% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch. Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes. You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them. You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

LOST

i know i already blogged earlier. but i have to blog again.

i just watched the latest episode of Lost. Lost 208, to be exactly. i think this is one of the most touching episodeof this season2. sigh... i actually cried somewhere at the end when the tail section reunite with the front section. i'm quite a sobber for touching scenes like this. the beginning of the episode was actually quite sad cause shannon died and sayid was so devastated. i mean, to have someone u love being shot in front of your eyes must have been really,really frustrating. i suppose ana-lucia's character is actually to intensified the whole series. i heard in the upcoming episodes to come, she became a love interest for jack. weird, but anything is possible since sayid could be in love with shannon.

my fav line from this episode, was when sayid faced ana-lucia adter she told him to pick up a weapon and just kill her cause she killed shannon.
"What good will it be to kill u,With what we're already dead."

anyway, Lost 208 was really both saddening and yet, heartwarming. Micheal reunite with walter's dog, with sadness in his eyes of the loss of his son. Sayid lost shannon. Kate begins to show more care for sawyer. bernard and rose finally reunite after 40 days. lastly, Jin reunite with his wife. sigh....

i know it's all drama and bla bla bla... but it's shows like this that make me wonder if all of this is possible and how i would felt if i was caught in the same position.

I think Lost has got to be one of the best shows they came up with. (Of cos, next to The OC,duh...) it's a great season,i must say. for all of u who are still waiting on your lazy couch for channel5 to show season 2, maybe u should contact me. hee.... otherwise, happy waiting....

arghh...

sometimes,it's frustrating. really frustrating. here i am, mending a broken heart and yet there's this urge to just really forget everything.i just don't know how to explain this. i cant seem to find the words at times. as much as i long to run back to that everything-is-fine, the reality just kept haunting me not to do so. i blogged to express my feelins on anything under the sun. now, it seems that it's being used to go against me.so u know what? it's about time i lessen my blogging techniques on my life. yea, i will still mention it as i do have a lot on my life to tell the world about. but i guess now, it's meant for me to blog only to certain extent since now, the line between us is more clear.


argh...

i'm currently in the school library now. trying to get my thesis idea coming in. the word here is, TRYING. but no matter, everything will be on track. someone used to tell me that, as long as u dont hav your life straigthen out, nothing else will be. it's so true. it's really is. i would admit that i'm really a perfectionist in many ways. it drives many people in my life nuts too. it's actually the only gift my mum gave to me when i was borned. so now, knowing that little-miss-perfectionist here knows her needs, it's time for me to really let go of certain bad areas.i need to straighten out my life.

sometimes, i feel that i lead a double life. (NO,I'm not a schizo)
Despite of both contrasting features of my "lives", there's only one similiarity in both. which is the fact that i'm an indecisive person. fickle, is the word many would use on me. now i realise, maybe i should not be fickle anymore. maybe now i should be making decisions fast without taking too much time brooding over something.

but how many of u out there are not classified being fickle, yet u do take a long time to make a decision? many. no doubt about it. so now i wonder, what makes me ,being fickle, different from any of u? and u know what else made me think? the fact that many of u make some indecisive decisions, just like me.

what the hell am i crapping about here? arghh...

ok, now i'm really frustrated. pls stay from Fiddy for a moment. i need to think.

wee-pee!!!

zathura was a great movie. the movie made me realised that i've stopped being a kid and hence, stopped my imagination.missed imagining sometimes. i used to imagine that i would be this sad and lonely princess waiting to be rescue by that vegetarian charming prince from that weird country where people eat cats. oh wait... guess i know why i stopped imagining now. hee....

Dragonboat... hm.... where else can u find huge muscular men in wets? but wait, there's a catch! they are really smelly... no kidding. even though some are eye-catching, i think the body ordour of sweat and sea water, just turns me off. didnt stayed long at the event just now. i just dont fit in. that's one thing about me i guess. i would have this great instinct that i wont be enjoying myself at a place. and WHAM! it came true.

what else has been happening?hmm.. pretty much, been busy either working or doing my projects. my ISP supervisor seemed to show some concern finally. now i feel guilty for not keeping him update. well, practically, he pissed me off the other time. how am i suppose to expect that he can show concern after a few weeks? ass.

i've got this other irritating feelins these days too. u know i've been single like a month or so. and WHAM! the other single people (or should i say men) are alerted. hmm.. i maybe be back on the market, but i have no intention on pouncing on fresh meat as of now. i've got to many things in my head. like my projects, werk and bills. and i enjoy being me these days. get to realise alot of things about myself. Like yesterday, i realised that i'm uniquely me as to being me. i dun need to dress like a typical girl. that wouldnt be me,seriously. i just love being me as i dress in my pants and t-shirts or just my fav type1 and my zara stuff.i cant see myself wearing skirts and looking all so feminine for long. i do wear skirts and dresses at times. but making me wear them all the time kinda irks me out. i just love being me. all so laid-back, just my down-to earth outfit, cruising in my Kittywave,enjoying. but ofcos, i go for better things too. like my ipod, my fabulous hp, my gadgets tt some cant even pronounce and my pure enjoyment of girl-on-bike attention.hee...

i think i digress too much. i was suppose to talk about this guy i know who actually kinda told me that he sees the line between frens and more than frens vaguely, about us. i know that's a really vague thing to say. but what more can i say. i'm just too irresistable for some to turn away from. (hee.. i'm shameless,i know.) He's a nice person and all. Listen and advice when i needed someone to talk to when i was goin thru the whole break-up. i definitely didnt flirt with him cause i believed that he still thinks about his gf alot.besides, he is like one of those guys u would see me with in school or chill-outs. u know... the ones that are single and likes a girl's opinion on certain issues. Like the friendship between me and shaipul. everything is so platonic and sweet cause we both talk crap , advice each other on our lives and make fun of each other in a fun way. As this guy i know, we share the similar chemistry like me and shaipul. now, who would have thought that he caught me off-guard by telling me that he's interested?

ahhh.. so now u're wondering if i have the same feelings towards him,right? hee... seriously, the only things i have in mind for now is my projects, my overdue assignments, work and the bills. it's a quite a bit on my sacrificial part, but it will all be fruitful in times to come. sacrificing my social life is worth it.Besides, i think my frens are more important now. finally i know who are my true frens.

like i said to Budiman, u'll never know the future. but i do know somethin about the future. if i ever end up as a bachelorette (not a spinster), i think i would be living with 6 cats and live in Pebble Bay. hee..... meoww......

i'm half-hearted back.

i think the ol' Fiddy is back. the remember the latest "fiddy" u know? the one who got crazy over Anuar Zain songs?Singing endless of nothing but sad songs? the one who hardly socialise?
well maybe i'm back. but just not in full-suit. probably it's this song that kinda hooked me to. yea, i know it's a sad song, but hey! at least it's in english now.hehehe...

i miss the ol' Fiddy. u know which one? the one who's always the centre-attention of all her girlfrens back in JI. yea, that one. the one who wears a short skirt, dissing every girl she dislikes but keeps her best frens happy, the one who clowns around the class despite of constant whinings, the one who plans the birthday chicks' party/gather/slumberparty, the one who loves everything in pink, the one who never fails to put a smile on Bayu, the one who would constantly look for Fiza after a fight, the one who cries like a baby during Titantic. THAT ONE. i miss THAT Fiddy. i know it seems that i'm still living in the past. but i'm not. i'm just reminicsing (correct spellin?) the past. i was HAPPY. i was really am HAPPY.

now..... hmmm... i just don't know what to do to make me happy. so many years has passed and i can't help to think that i've changed. I've changed my likes, my dislikes, i love more politics now,i only talk to people that are nice to me and worst of all, i've picked up a bad habit along the way. i seriously wanna be me again, but it seems so hard. all that depression counselling had gone to waste. I turned to Allah and pray for some guidance that i hope may help me find my way eventually.

i just do not know, guys. i seem troubled on the inside,yet many of u think that i'm just one spoilt brat without a care in the world. in fact, it's my total outlook that give u the impression that i'm problem-free. maybe just some of u understand what i'm going thru.

oh shit, did i get too emo?hehehehe... okok, here's the lyrics of the latest song i'm hooked to. only one line of the lyrics kinda got stuck in my head. the last line of the chorus... power dok!!! i think i cant be a d.jockey for sure, cause i might just hooked up with my music director and psycho him to only do my fav songs...ehhehe

If I Had One Wish- Ray J
Damn baby…
I just don’t understand
where we went wrong
I gave you my heart
I gave you my soul
I gave you…

[Verse 1]As a matter of fact
I was the one who said I love you first,
It was about 8 years ago
Don’t act like you don’t know.
We were sitting at home in your momma’s living room,
Cause, (We couldn’t be alone)
See your mamma knew I was something else,
she knew how I felt.
Back then we were in school,
And that sure thing didn’t excuse,
Growing up I was a fool,
And in came up missin’ you
Listen and don’t trip,
Think I need a bottle with a genie in it.
Here’s my wish list,
(First one), I would create a heart changing love
(Second one), I’ll take your lift and lead on
(Third one), but I don’t need a lot of wishes cause,
I’ll, be okay if I get one

[Chorus]If I had one wish,
we would be best friends
Lovin’ never end,
It would just begin.
If I had one wish, you would be my boo,
Promise to love you,
Trust me I’ll trust you.
If I had one wish, we would run away,
Making love all day,
Have us a baby.
If I had one wish, I’d make you my whole life,
Can you be my wife?
Make it right this time.

[Interlude]If I had one wish,
One wish, one wish, one wish.
One wish, one wish, one wish.
One wish, one wish, one wish.
One, wish, one wish, one wish

[Verse 2]And tell me is this the only way I,
Can get you right back in.
Sold his soul, searching I’ll go,
Then I can have you for sure.
Then you’ll be loving me,
Holding me,Kissing me.
So girl don’t tell me what,
I’m feeling is make believe.
I swear if I lose,
A second chance with you,I wouldn’t know what to do,
I’d probably check myself in,
To some kind of clinic,
I couldn’t be alone,
Cause without you I’m sick

Here’s my wish list
(First one), I would create a heart changing love
(Second one), I’ll take your lift and lead on
(Third one), but I don’t need a lot of wishes cause,
I’ll, be okay if I get one

[Chorus]If I had one wish, we would be best friends
(we’d be best friends)
Lovin’ never end,
(never end)It would just begin.
(Starting here right now)
If I had one wish, you would be my boo,
Promise to love you, (promise to love)
Trust me I’ll trust you. (I trust you)
If I had one wish, we would run away,
(yes we would)Making love all day,
(it would feel so good)
Have us a baby.
If I had one wish, I’d make you my whole life,
(oh yeah)Can you be my wife?Make it right this time.
If I had one wish…

[Interlude]I don’t even know
How we an did up on this road,
And even though we are grown
,Girl I just want you to know
[Chorus ]

projectified

i probably have one of the most boring blogs around.

ao anyway, just wanna blog in and tell the whole world regarding the little horoscopic me. Yes, i'm such a great beliver in horoscope. AS an intuitive scorpio, obviously i would be match better with Cancerians,Libras and Taurus. but that's not wat i wanna share. hee.. u see, everysince Friendster came up on the section on Horoscope, i've become one of those people who consistently read ons their own horoscope for the day. it's weird, but it's almost true all the time.there was once it says that someone from the past is most likely to return into my life. AND VOILA! Ispanky is back into my life. Then another time was went it said that my presence causes tension to many around me during the hard times. and yes, that was during the time when i was around my frens who practically didnt show much of support when i was going thru the breakup.

it's so weird,people!!!! u should read your own horoscope too at Friendster. oh, and add me along there,will ya? just try to use my email fickle.fiddy@gmail.com. I'm sure u can find me there.

heee.. i'm so bochap,aren't i?

life is short

just when i thought i had too much on my hands, i received a call from a dearest old fren.

I know this guy like years ago. still remember i was on my rollerblades and he was with his frens at east coast.it was a fren of mine that approach the skaters and my group and his group became frens. still have that first picture i took with him them. i think that was... maybe around sec 2 or 3. since then, i've kept close contact with him. he's really a dear. We never had a chemistry of love or anything. We just have this great platonic friendship going on in us.. and still goin on now. hearing all my boys problems,meeting my whoever my current eye candy was and even being loved by my whole family.Of course, i was there for him too. remember the days when we skated,watched each other fall or hit the fround, stole the MRT signboards, gigs, and of course,his usual girls problems.still remember how u lost your virginity,my fren!!! heee...

His name is Yassir and he lost his dad today. It was an accident,i suppose. It was on the news too. About this 54-yr-old man who was drowned at Tanah Merah. It was a sudden shock to me. I bet to Yas, it was quite a distress.

It was moments like this, that i suddenly missed him. i missed being that fren he always looked for.i missed the times when he was always there for me when i'm in my rots. I guess i thought i got replaced by his wife when he got married. But i thought wrong. we've been best frens for years and suddenly , when he called, i felt the guilt building in me. He needed me,i suppose.

I shouldnt have disappeared in ur life,dude. I thought maybe since u're married, it's about time i get chilled out. I suppose our pact of being best of frens forever is still on. i'm really sorry. U and Sabrina had been the best parts of my life. And i should have been the part of our lives too. i'll still wait til the time when u would ask me out to skate again.

reality hurts

reality hurts. a lot.

just when u thought u had your life going,time stood still for you to watch your own thoughts.

you have an agenda of things to be said, but your heart stopped to think for you before your head does.

jock around then

Feel so sad that my Radio Course ended on Friday.But all good things must come to the end eventually. ( "NEH..AHHHH!").
Got our certs just now.But before that, we actually reviewed back our recordings from last night. HAHA!! The one that my team did was great. I didnt think we would sound that good over the radio. I'm not blowing any trumpets, but it's true. It wasn't the best one from the rest,but it was great one for me. hee.... esp with "Joanne".hee... Nana and Jt's demo was great. My fav actually. if i have a chance, i'll play it here. Not so soon i guess cause the guys from Don&Drew are pretty tight on their schedule. Thanks, Drew!!! U're such a sweetheart.

I got kinda disappointed actually today when i didnt get to meet Don again. cause i would really wan to get that pic of him and me. he's so cute... Oh and Shan too. too bad.

This whole week of pure fun and learning. Even though i didnt get as many shots as i wanted, i guess what matters is the experience. It's something that not everyone would have a chance at it.

But i gotta tell u. being a dj is all hard work. people like Hubert Tang, Dan and Glenn, must have worked really hard over the years. But like Dan would say, he never work a day in his life cause he's enjoying his stuff each day. Me... i'm just full of envy for these guys.

But u know wat really made this whole trip a great one? The visit to the studios. We actually walked into Class95, 987Fm and Gold90.5Fm. It feels so cool.ehhhe... i know i sound like a groupie. But if u know the real me, the atmosphere in the 987fm studio was exactly the place i would like my work to be.SERIOUS! U know how i hate 9-5 jobs and the tedious mornings of putting on your zoot-suit to work and then work all day in a office where u have to obey the rules of being formal. I'm not saying that i HAVE to work in 987fm. What i'm saying is that, the atmosphere of the place is that important to me! Like Dan said that his "calling" is being a d.jockey. Maybe my "calling" is to work in the same industry. hee... i know its a far-fetched dream, but hey, i think i might have hit the nail this time regarding my future job! hee..

My other classmates were great people too! It had been an enjoyable journey with them. Everyone seems to come from a different perspective.'nuff said! Keep in touch, frens!!!

Anyway.. it's time i get back to my tedious and annoying projects. erghh... it's been weeks since i touched ISP. i'm so screwed. My chapter 2 for SEP is almost done but then, immediately, i would have to start on chapter3. erghh... What to do... it's my last year now. i have to put in the effort. Who knows, if all these programming can lead me to learnt on Audio programming(hee...)? Yea, and who knows if that audio programming can lead me to a job of assisting Don on his engineered stuff. hee.... DREAM ON!!!

Neh, ah!

I told myself to only start blogging regardin the radio course tomorrow. but i couldn't help it but to blog about what i had gone so far now. hee....
Let's see. The 1st day was usuallu rigid and full of tension. But Aloy Tan was practically great at making us feel comfortable.It was also the day that i finally get to meet Shan Wee in person. LIKE, WOAH!!! ahahah... i know i sound like a groupie, but i can't help it to say that he's hot in person.Gonna try to get that picture of me and him tomorrow. Met Don from Don&Drew show too!!! OMG, I got more excited when i met Don, he is like so cute. chubby and lovely.heheh... u guys should know by now that i look for chubby dudes for partners. don't ask me why, but it's just pure eye candy for me to meet Don. sigh...
The 2nd day was much more interactive cause Mark Richmond came along to prep us for voice control techniques which was fabulous. He's pretty a nice guys,actually. Despite of all the things i heard about him, that is.We also met Jean Danker and Rod on the later part of the night. it was pleasant. In fact, i think i acted quite well.ehhehe... u know me. i get all flustered up and crazy if i see celebs. ehhe...
The 3rd went fine cause the peeps in my class finally started mingling with one another. cause we have this recording going on on thursday (JUST NOW). my team mate are these 2 nice dudes, that i can't seem to find any chemistry in us,except the fact that we can sure can crap alot. ehehhe... Oh Dan Ong gave us a talk on Show Prep. I suppose, Dan isn't really that crappy guy we thought he is in his shows. he's really good. Not to mention, he looks great in person. Seriously.
OOO.... MY exciting part of this course, just have to be the recording we had today. eheheh.. it was really fun. Andrew (Don&Drew) was really nice and helpful on the voice techniques when we were recording. Of course, my team stumbled on words, but we had fun. really fun. the tension was up til our throats, yet we managed to just give our best shot and had pure fun.ehehhe...

I think meeting up with these jockeys was really an experience. Now i know how the radio works down at Mediacorp. Besides the jocks,i get to know a few nice frens in the class too. Everyone seems to be coming in from all walks of life. Like, Martin from New Asia Bar, Jeremy from FHM,lecturers from SP and some guys working at my favorite label,Zara.

As for tomorrow, we'll be ripping each other's recordings and practically a little vocation in the later part.eheheh... Gosh, u know what i'm exciting about? MEEting DON!!! hE'S so cute!!! I am such a groupie....

Will upload the pictures later!! Got a really good one on me and Jean. she's so sweet...

hmmm

ahhh.. finally have to time to blog alittle.
the eve of turning 23 21 was great at Rouge. Howe got his brother to get us the best seats ever and most of my frens turned up.Thank, Kian!Had a surprise from the guys who got John Molina to sing me a birthday song. hee.... he sounded sexy while singing it. hee... Most of the guys that came down are from my SIM geekos. heheh... Mayra brought the hubby as well. Budiman and Is came as well. Although things were a lil too "funny" between them, things went well. hee... too bad shaipul didnt come. wanted to see him dance. hmmm...

oh, as u can see the bear in the picture. he came along with my cousin,Irwan who had to leave early and left the bear with me. heheh....

Well, i disappeared for a period of time. it wasn't because i wasnt enjoying myself, but i needed the air for awhile. i got depress actually. i cant really explain those feelings here. met Is outside Rouge coincidently and had a talk regarding those feelings. he was really supportive and stuff cos he understood the feeling of what i'm going thru.guess tt's why i enjoy our platonic friendship.

But of course, being the host, i enjoyed til the end of the night. even bought myself a birthday drink. didnt really like the idea that the guys bought me drinks.besides, i needed a drink to remember myself with.hee..Budiman took me home and i slept like a hog til the next day.ehehh

Then yesterday, the MNG gathered to go bowling to commerate my bday too!hee... bowling was fun,guys. one of the birthdays i wont forget. who would have thought that i would go bowling on my birthday.hee...
went to KTM for the midnight snack and to cut my bday cake!!! hee... i didnt think that i would have one this year. How lucky can Fiddy be..
Of cos, surprises doesnt stopped there.
It was until Budiman gave me my present. OMG. the Tiffany& co box gave it away.It is this really nice shimmering bracelet. I know it cost a bomb. As much as i say i don't need these things, i know how expensive they are. i don't really wear expensive things cause i like to be .... me... natural. i would typically think that wearing expensive things makes u more vulnerable.hehehe... but hey, maybe it's about time i start to use these things. I still prefer the down-to-earth look.So anyway, the gift really is beautiful. I feel bad cos i know it's really expensive. but knowing Budiman, he wouldn't budge to make me feel better. Thank u. Even though we're not like wat we used to be, i think it's the bond we have together that make us still feel this way. sigh... i wish i can tell u that i'm not worth all these trouble.

Now, i have to sleep. Gotta bid the car farewell soon.Oh by the way, my car wreck made my pumpkin looking better than ever. In fact, he has a perfect ass now. Right now i feel awful that i have to sell away the car. sigh..
Pity. such a pity. But some things muct come to the end. I had fun with my pumpkin just now. Driving madlessly at about 120-140km/h was a way to let me remember how it feels like to drive him. gonna miss him so much.

pretty crushed.

hmmm... guess wat? turning a year older tomorrow. i dunno whether it's a good thing or a bad thing. But do i have any choice?duh. i gotta blog now cause but midnight, i might have a change of thoughts of presently.besides, i think tonight's gonna be a long night before i join the rest who are already in the Jordan's league.

1st thought:
i can't believe there are yet so many things i didnt achieve for the pass one year. one, i didnt manage to get the grades i wanted. omg, wat the hell i have been doing all these while? For god sake, i'm graduating next year and what the hell am i gonna graduate with?

2nd thought:
i still cant believe i'm single this year. i'm probably one of those girls that might end up celebrating birthdays every year with frens til they are 30, and after that, celebrate every year with the cats at home.U know how many girlfrens of mine are married at my age?some even have kids. I'm not saying that i wanna be like that, but i wanna have that type of happiness to have someone special to celebrate birthdays with, each year.

3rd thought:
i began my day today, thinking that this year was never meant to be. every thing is wrong in my life right now. whether it's at home,at school or anywhere.sigh... i know it sounded like i'm not contented, but i am. really. despite of all the things happening at home, i'm glad and thanked god for the shelter i have, for the mum i have, for the food we eat and for the unconditional love i'm given.

4th thought:
I have yet to enjoy my life and now i'm older??!! I haven seen the world. I haven tried trailing. I haven got badly drunk (let's not count the time when i was drunk during JI.Tt was a "fumble" drunk). I haven meet Hisham Hashim. I haven learnt my 4th language. I haven learnt how to salsa. I haven got the chance to drive a Z4. (this is bullshit) Lastly, i haven been able to provide for my mum.

5th thought:
(this last one i realised that i've grown mature over this year. ) I realized that it's time for me to be responsible for every action i do. irregardless of how bad the situation is, it's about time that i think before i do something. I'm not like a hardcore rebellious daughter. Neither am i a great one. It's time for me to be that responsible person my mum always wanted me to be. I've been thinking about my future too. Like wat job i would for. i'm graduating soon, so i guess it's time. i dunno if i fit the 9-5 working ladies. but if there isn't much choices, yea, maybe.


You know wat makes me really sad this whole year?it's not the part where i got older. it's the part when i realized that my family is not a family anymore. u know how sad it is to wake up each day knowing that your parents are like that?knowing that u have siblings that only think for themselves? knowing that your nephew is growing up (i know it's ridiculous,but i wish he will never grow up.cute la he.)? Knowing that everyone else's family seems perfect except yours?

But life have to go on. Tonight, i guess i'll try to enjoy myself.although i do not have the mood, at least i have the frens.

These are the 2 entries i wrote for the past 2 years.


13/11/2004
yup, it's the time of the year. and i'm not talking about the day before Hari Raya. the other one. when i was young, i was so lookin forward to this day. but as i get older, i kinda diss it. argh.. but anyway, the Mng perfume and cash did smoothed the emphatic little me.so let's just move on, would we?Selamat Hari Raya, you all!!!



13/11/2003
Happy birthday msFiddy.may you forever be 21 20.hee....
it's a not a happy day for me today. cause i've been sick. a fever that goes up and up and down and down and now?UP! at this moment as i type, it's 39.5 degrees. gosh. can go crazy .

remember the 13 resolutions i'm suppose to write?done-ded!skip this site if u dun wanna read.
1) must deny any wreakage towards my own feelings
2) must never cry for the opposite sex.if i really have to, do it after.heee...
3) must never deny any true feelings to anyone; whether it's hatred or love.
4) must learn to let go.
5) must never deny that I am a perfectionist.
6) must save money for a new camera.
7) must obtain my b*K# lisence before next birthday. (yesh i'm kiasu.but driving a car is never enough)
8) must learn to differentiate from Kanan and Kiri.
9) must never look back and regret.
10) must regret with style.
11) must never fall in love easily. it's time for commitment
12) must take initiative to look for a guy who has initiative.
13) Lastly, but never the least, must learn to trust myself first.

un-happy

my mum told me before that if i were to feel unhappy the whole day, it means that something bad will happen at night. i dunno if it's true. but my night was kinda whacked. just when i thought i can smile about something, my smile faded away.
i was practically overjoyed when my mum said tt she found her fren's address in Paris. Cause a few days ago, i told her that i wanna go back packing in India and maybe wanna drop by europe on the way back, next year. she didnt like the idea of "back packing" but she was kinda soothed when i said maybe i wanna visit Chantel at Paris. hehehe... But all these requires money. of cos, i have 6 months away to save that amount of money. For shaipul, i bet he's loaded now that he is working. ehehhe...We'll still go to India,my fren.
But all nice things must come to the end since im just troubled over the ownership of my bike.I never knew it was a big fuss. I guess it's one of those things tt will happen when u have a sudden responsibility of a vehicle.
I've finally started my phase 2 of SEP today. Target to finish it within a week from now. it's quite impossible as i do have my other subjects to worry about. But, must die die try.
As for my ISP... hmmm... still a big question mark over my dreaded mind. maybe i've been wasting too much time thinking of other things. i have to start my ISP soon. soon....

true,true

this is soooo true......

the truth about girls...
1. Gossip isn't a sin. It's an art.
2. We aren't ashamed to cry.
3. We must go to the bathroom in groups
4. We have this thing called feelings. Don't hurt them.
5. We don't wake up looking pretty. It takes time and effort.
6. Sometimes is just never quite enough.
7. We need girls' nights OFTEN.
8. We hold grudges and we never forget the things you say to us that hurt.
9. It doesn't matter who dumped who or why. Whenever we see an ex with another girl, it always bothers us. Not because we're not over you, but because we know we used to be that girl. (Fiddy:This is VERY true)
10. Makeup can hide so many things, like puffy eyes from crying to huge scars from a broken heart.
11. Never ever ask a girl what she weighs; or imply anything about her weight being too much or too little. Just don't do it.(Fiddy: And i thought guys should have known this a long time ago.)
12. Never ask a girl if she's being so bitchy because of PMS.. because other things annoy us.. duh.(Fiddy: We are not only bitchy becos of PMS. GET THIS STRAIGHT!)
13. As much as we say we didn't like you that much..we did.
14. Girls notice every little thing so be careful what you say and do.
15. Our eyes are located in our heads. Not our chest or butt. When you're not looking in our eyes, WE KNOW.
16. We get a feeling in our gut when things are wrong [seriously true].
17. Sometimes we trust you because we want to even when we know you are lying, and it hurts.

the voice

as u all know, at this moment, i'm probably at my most downfall. let's summarize shall we?

1. I have 2 parents still not talking to each other for like over 4-5 weeks now,
2. i'm out of job,
3. i have 2 projects that are supposedly to be in phase 2 now (i'm still at phase 1),
4. i've been cutting classes cause of the geylang ramadhan,
5. i have a sister who practically drifts herself away,
6. i had a car accident,
7. my temp hearing loss seems not going away
8. ... and yea, lastly, i'm turning older soon.

i dunno wat's going in me now. i dun feel that vibe to just be myself again. no, not because i'm partially deaf. i don't have the answer.i'm just not myself. i'm just not happy. it's not that i'm not happy with the way things are. i just do NOT know. i'm just not happy.
i hate this. i just hate it. i hate it when i'm not happy. i hate it when i speak to frens in one tone. i hate it when i'm extra sarcastic these days. argh.

oh and this sat's party. i just hope it will be fun. remember guys and gals, Rouge @9pm. i get to bring in 20 guests in, so let me know fast. Theme: Ladies in Black, Men in White. Please dun bring your gay frens and frens who get drunk easily, cause it's my party.

++++++++++

wat's up with me and anuar zain's song,man?! maybe it's his soulful songs that just kicks in the emotional fiddy. i was happily riding to school today and i heard this song in my ipod. i was like.. wat the fuck? how come i had this song. and suddenly, it grew on me.... it just miraclously grew. and no, this song has no meaning to my life .


Anuar Zain - Kembalilah Kasih

Sendirianku di halaman
Bulan dan bintang menyaksikan
Perpisahan dua insan
Tiada rela...
Diabadikan bunga merah
Menjadi lambang perpisahan
Percintaan dua insan
Tiada tara...

Kini hilang dari pandangan jernih berkaca
Sayu kedengaran suaramu

Kembalilah kekasih
Kembali segera
Hilangkan kerinduan yang masih melanda
Kudambakan bisikan asmara
Kasihmu penuh makna
Kuyakin bunga cinta
Pasti mekar semula

i know what i did last raya

i thought this raya was already sad enough. i thought maybe yesterday, i could make up the time i missed visiting my cousin's house. i thought maybe, driving today would ease my sister's burden of clearing her van.

the unexpected happened.

i always tell myself and advise others that whenever he or she drives, make sure u dun crashed into someone's car. Never ever, bump the back of another's car.Cause it will always be ur fault for crashing into the other car.

but today, someone crashed my pumpkin. someone banged my whole bumper. that same someone dented my baby's skirting and caused my door to have the inability to close properly.that phucking someone had the nerve to had failing the alertness of being on a filter lane.

i'm pissed. i'm f*cking pissed. my baby is in a wreck. oh, and guess wat car it was? It was a Mazda RX8. gUESS who the driver was? a richman's son who owns a SFY plate, in the confectionary biz. I dun really care if i'm hurt or fail to hear properly now cause my ear was hit hard cause of the shocked jerk.But my baby..... wat is my baby now that he no longer have that curvie ass.

ARGHHHH!!!!! U ass hole!!!!!! U should have looked properly in a filter lane!!!! U better make sure u pray your ass off everytime u're in a filter lane!!!! I dun f*cking care if u're rich and can go crashing other cars. but why my pumpkin??? why? i know he's gonna be going away soon, but i would rather bid my goodbyes in a proper way just like the way i met him for the first time!

i'm probably the most pissed person right now. was gonna blog regarding my raya trip today. but i'm not in the mood for any raya updates. in fact, i feel bad enough that i couldnt make it to Isa's open house. nothin in this world can make me feel better now. i'm still me but knowing that there are drivers like that, makes me just as mad. I bet that guy forgot to put on his p-plate or something. i'm not saying i'm a great driver. but i know i'm a great alerter. driving is not a privilege. it's a permission. this incident is not gonna traumatised me in my driving skills. it just traumatised me that these type of drivers are exists.

for pete's sake!! it's a filter lane!!!! u ARE SUPPOSE TO STOP WHEN THERE ARE CARS GOING STRAIGHT!!!! u are suppose to watch the front car !!! you are not suppose to tailgate cars!!!! u are to look at the brake lights of the front car!!!! u are suppose to be more alert esp when u drive a sports car!!!

u make my day,man. whoever u are. u're lucky u got your father to pay the damages. i hope they cost a bomb. i hope your dad takes away your car and buys u a commercial van instead. i hope u are traumatised. i hope u know that there are times u should be more alert, than just alert.i hope u know that honda cars are not made of the same material like your car. i hope u be more careful on the road now. lastly, i hope u are not a happy person now.

to all drivers, i hope u learnt my lesson. there are times when u think that u can gamble and speed off. please take a second and think first. dun bang people from the back. if there must be any accident, let others bang u from the back. in this way, u are not at fault. the other f*cker is. oh, lastly, get a mazda in the future. trust me on this. it had been tested and proven that they have one of the most wonderful body to be driven by.

call me anti social

i got sad this raya. but my plan of staying low is actually going on. as we speak, there are like my uncles and aunries from my dad's side in the living room. i'm in my room cause mainly becos, i'm not to them and refuse to be involve in their conversation. I rather be gone than disappear. hee... so... took the time to finally upload the pics i've taken the past few days using my hp. i'm really a camera-oriented person, aren't i?
these are just some of the pics. the rest are yet to be modified. that is, if i'm tt bored, i'll do the rest.
hehehe..



This pic i took cause i wanted to surprise Ispanky that i wasn't working,but i was busy taking pictures! ehhe.. this is evidence,my fren!



Loooovvveee this picture!! i dunno why, but it totally describe my personality. U wouldn't understand,i know.



My love-s of my sleep. I love Bearbear the most cause he had been there for me in times i needed someone to cry on. He was given to be by an old fren.Named him Bearbear after the real "bigbear". Furlie was given by "Bigbear".He was assigned to keep me accompany the times when Bigbear was away in Indo. Happy was given to be during my ... (i forget) 21st bday,i think. Beanie is the latest one.He's still quite getting used to the fact that i share my love with 4 bears. hee...



This is my favorite toy car.Of course la! it's not a toy, it's a car! Too bad, i have to sell him off. It's ok pumpkin. Your new owner might be a better owner than me. sob....



Took this pic at Stevens Road at around 2.30am.It's pretty dark,duh! was waiting for my sister to head down to mustafa centre. finished a ciggie and still she was late. so of course,why not take a picture of my KittyWave.And NO!i did not name Kittywave after that stupid hellokitty. I named him KittyWave cause he's my fast cat in times of need.

So that's it frens! stay tuned for more boring pictures!

my nostalgic night-over

i was supposedly working the night before raya at the stall. but my sis gave me a few hours off to go with her husband for photo-taking. And of course, follow him to buy his baju kurung. she knows i choose better than she does. hee... we did find the matching baju kurung for him. it was hard to find turqoise baju kurung to match with my sister's kebaya. sigh... but effort was paid off when we finally found it and bought it at Haney Hadad's place. cool.

with regards to the photo-taking, we took alot. we brought along our DSLR and my DigitalCam. he practice with the DSLR and me ,of cos, with my digicam. he took really great pictures. well of cos, i took some pics with the dslr too. hehehe. it was fun!

Anyway, as we were busy taking some candid shots, it felt really nostalgic sey! I mean, this year will be the last for the full ramadhan bazaar. next year, only about half of the whole place. soon, the other half will be torn down. i dunno what's up with the govt to show so much interest in geylang and decided to tear down the place and build some centro area. oh well. one of my granny had to move out of her block 3 apt due to this. she was awfully sad lah! but of cos, me being the kucing siam of the family, pujuk her and ask her imagine the life of having a real elevator in her new block! (if u know how the elevator at block 3 workds, u will have to agree.)My granny ,of cos, bought the idea eventually. So anyway, digressing back, i think it's a shame that geylang wont be geylang next year. sigh... it's such a historical place,u know!

Here are some of the cool pics we took!

eventful

did quite a bit of shopping yesterday with shaipul. me got a new pair of Gola shoes and he got tt Es shoes i really like.then we went to esprit and got a few tops. supposedly, i wanted to get new heels. then realised that my pair from last year are still quite new since i only wore them like less than 4 times.we ate at Bk. yummy. cant remember the last time i had fast food since the fasting month started. sent shaipul to terawih and met up with him after that. oh, this is the part where we met up with other frens in the circle to chill at this place call Makan House at Jln Klapa. ok la the place. from there i come to know of chill outs i missed when "they" met up for chills. oh well.
Budiman's mum suddenly got sick at home and he had to rush home. suddenly, i was seen as the enemy at the table. i'm not surprised as i felt unwelcome from the start of it anyway.it felt like i was intruding into "their" conversation. or better yet, their very own chill out. tak pasal.It was so obvious with nur,far and rafique's reaction. takpe la. bukan nya dorang tau kesusahan aku.this is why i rather withdraw from them and start back my own circle of frens. things gets so complicated.u wanna make it less complicated but u cant cause u know they will be more colder to u.
after the not-so exciting chill out, me, shaipul, rafique and his fren, Man Legend, head down to geylang for some last min shopping like my yummies,shaipul's songkok,rafique's baju kurung and Man's mum tabletop (hee). Aliffy said hi -and-bye when we were resting with our cha kuay at the Arqam. didnt realise he is THAT short. hehehe.
and of cos, why not end the day with the fight of the night. this, i shall not probe into. no point. "The point is pointless."
I guess this raya could have been better if i try harder at home. but sometimes, it's pointless. try to put yourself in my shoes. i have 2 parents who haven been talking to each other for the past 3 weeks. iftar at home are silent as the lambs. u imagine, my mum cooks like a chef in the afternoon for the dinner. my dad will just turn up at the table and eat. there wont be any words exchanges like,"hmm.. sedap." that is why this raya is never gonna be better. see, this is the reason why i rather work everyday than eat at home. not that i tried, but my dad is very steel-ly to seep thru.
the worst thing about raya in my dysfunctional family is that, every one suddenly becomes an award winning actor/actress. i'm not trying to look down on my own family, but it's a fact. today u ask for forgiveness, the next day u're back to the treat.that is how sad my family is. tapi, ape korang kisah! hidup korang semua "perfect" pe...! masala family korang kat rumah mana sama ngan fiddy.
but of cos, i still wanna wish everyone happy hari raya. irregardless of anything else, just spend wisely your time with family and frens. as for me, will be busy at werk since today is the last day of bazaar geylang. a lot of werk and probably will spend the first day sleeping at home.