shuffled up.

Today's class was great. got to know more of my classmates. especially shirley.

Oh, my 2nd sis turning 30. wow. i cant believe she doesn't look a day older than 25. anyway, she asked me along for a saturday night outing. do not know if i am going. not really excited about any event actually.

my life's a mess. i wished u knew.

How to deal

Break-ups are most clique and unavoidable things you face in life. You can take it like a set-back or a simple mistake in life. It's just whether you're able for things like this of life. What i would say to my mum is the only phrase i tell her. "Cubaan Hidup".

Today i realised that life is karma. What goes around, comes around.I am a person who does not werk on motivations. Seriously. I am the girl who you may know for a long time, yet you have no clue what is my favorite song.But i may be the girl you know recently and knows that pink is my fav color.

What i'm saying is, whatever move i make, i reflect on it. I would think of the past and see if my mistake is my deserve. Recently, i've been thinking alot of the past. And i missed the memories. Memories that were built to make who i am now. A little of regretions, yet worthwhile. And i got only one man to thank to. I wished he knew who he is. Thank you. Hope to see you next season as a stable actor and not as a guest star in my life.

Here's a catch of my life. i had 3 guys in life who had the most common and inevitable thing. Yes, Bartley Sec. I think it must be God's trick on me.

//


Finally my 3rd sis lent me the vcd for her wedding. (there was a videoman who record the whole events) It was sweet. Not wicked, but sweet.

As i watched the video and paid attention to the parts where families are on cam, i realised so much.
I realised that i am so not like my sisters. I'm not trying to say that i'm unique or better off. What i'm saying is(from experiences), i am so not like them. In fact, i can't imagine if i were like them. They worked,found love, got married,kids. Period. Well of course, and more work. That besides the point. I can't be like that . Not the werk-kids-werk. But the period-point of life. Look at me. There isn't a part of me that says that i'm satisfied.

I do not know if this feelings was develop recently. Well, i kinda blamed it on my parents' upbringing. Here's a re-cap. My 3 sisters comes from dubious schools. All had involved before in drugs, gangster fights,runaway delinquent and of course, a short education journey. Never do i despise my sisters. No matter what i love them cause i'm always their baby sister. Anyway, when it comes to me, my parents are really careful. They send me to a non-dubious school, forced me to jc and of course, i broke their heart when i disagree to go to ntu(but i mend their hearts again by at least doing a degree). If you ask me what i really wanted to do after jc 2 years ago, i would say that i would want to go to acting school. But if you ask me now if i ever regret anything that my parents had led me to do, i would say no regrets.

Supposedly, my upbringing was filled with envy by my sisters, but filled with deprivation of the naughtiest events that they had.However, i think my sisters' pasts did me good. in the past, i would tease on their past and promise not to repeat any of their foolish mistakes. now, i tease their kids of course.

I do not know if growing means you became mature. I still feel like the baby sister whenever i'm with them. I definitely do not feel old with them. Over the years, i realised that whatever made you who you are, there will be places where u can go to for shelter.

//

Frankie J - How Do I Deal

Sometimes a man has to choose
And do something he doesn't wanna do
Do I live my life with you as my wife
Or do I go on and pursue my lifetime dream
I gotta do this for me
Cuz if I don't I'll probably regret it
But if I do I'll probably regret it
How do I cope
How do you cope when
The one you love is with somebody else
And there's nothing you could do about it
How do I deal with
The fact that you had a chance
But you chose to turn away for your career
I gotta take it though it's heartbreakin'
It's something that I had to do
But nobody said that it would hurt so bad
So how do I live...how do I deal without you
It's killing me to know
That your heart hurts with me
But you're with him cause I chose
To be in this industry
Money, shows, and hoes come along with luxury and pain
Is all you see when you think about it
But this is the life that I was given
So I have to live it to the fullest
But how do I deal in the meantime without you
How do you cope when
The one you love is with somebody else
And there's nothing you could do about it
How do I deal with
The fact that you had a chance
But you chose to turn away for your career
I gotta take it though it's heartbreakin'
It's something that I had to do
But nobody said that it would hurt so bad
So how do I live...how do I deal without you

why?

Yes, i'm fat. I admit it. I'm not complaining. Even though at times when i complained that i can't fit my black dress,i leave it to rest and not brood over it. IT'S MY ISSUE. so why are u bugging me over this? You are the pain in fatty ass, u know that?
ARGGHH

oops i did it again.

i wanted to go to Kent's shop to do my hair after the school workshop. But called Kent and in his gayish voice, he tells me that he's full of appointments by taitais today. so i cancelled on making an appointment.

So i went off to werk at Tampines.Surprise,surprise. There was a salon nearby. "Boss" said that there are alot of workers if i wanna slack around. So i clocked in for werk, help around aimlessly and went M.I.A for 40mins. hee... yea, i did my hair. I just missed my red streaks...!!! I had to do it again. Yes, boys, my red streaks are back. hee... The reason why i choose red is because i'm so "cina". I believe that red has been my lucky color all these while. in fact, addition to that, i kinda added to compliment my red streaks. I had my beneath back hair blonde. hehehe.... sigh, to many of you, yea it's very ah-lian. But hey, i like it! It's so not ah-lian by the way. I look hotter.So bring out the boys!! heheh

Another surprise for the night was more surprising. My boy bringing my ex-boy. It may sound really weird, but it's true. My boy is really good frens with my ex-boy. eheheh. It was weird at first on how we chatted about the old days. yea, puppy love it was. He's also riding an XR400. dammit. i gotta get one of those. Maybe like that nerdy chick in school who rides a DRZ400. now, tHAT'S HOT!

Choice

Practically, this blog has been my confidante, beside Pumpkin of course. So i pour my sorrows out in here. Apparently, blogs are now more publicised eversince.... well i dunno. That RGS girl (is it?) that committed suicide?Then of course the spg blog.
Why?
Why can't blogs be the way is it?
Why do people just have to scrutinised the fact that they find a blog a little to explicitly un-discreet?
Oh wait.... The people are basically, Singaporeans.

Baffled?

My sisters (esp the 1st & 2nd) were baffled to hear from mum that i'm in the midst of learning a foreign language.

1st Sis: Huh? For what? She will still end up with a common job and get married to a localman like anyone of us.

2nd Sis: She planning to run away and get a big pay-check just because she can speak a 4th language isit?

3rd Sis (she's the best) : Good la! at least she thinking far. No matter wat she's my sister that's making a difference. (Like that is any relevant)

Yea, so i analysed that, over married life and experiences, my first 2 sisters were becoming narrow-minded and superficial (esp my 2nd sis). Sucks. So anyway, the main reason i took up a 4th language for many reasons. 1,making my school holidays more useful. 2, an escapade from my mum's clutches during the holidays. 3, I see myself working for a huge MNC in the future. hee.... I know, i'm being too bold in blowing my own trumpet. But if i dun care in doing it, why should u?

That's a piece of my life for u.

//

I know there has been times when i explicitly said that i'm not brand consious. I realised that I am. Well of course not those really-expensive apparels, like Natalia. Mum just enlighten me on my shoe collection. And no, i dun have a passion for Nike like Pinky. I realised that i've owned at least 5 pair of Quiksilver flops (2 are stolen now.), 2 pair of Roxy flops (one stolen by my 2nd sis), 2 pair of x'odus, 4 pairs of Charles&Keith (2 of which are broken), 2pair of great aladin shoes (they were in trend,duh!) and the last i check, i do owned a Ripcurl flops. Oh, yea... all are bought since last January. hee..?Oh, remind me to get a new shoe rack,will ya?
Well Mum, a girl has got all the walking to do.Back to the issue of apparels, i don't wear expansive clothes. Like they said, wear wat's comfortable . So apparently, most of my latest stuff are from MNG, Zara, FoxWomen,Esprite and mostly, Roxy. Are those branded? erm... i dunno? i just go for comfort and sale of course.
So i'm not that shallow,ok?I'm just a little influence. Well, hey! i'm a girl!

PlayDead

I was teaching a kid this afternoon. Surprise,surprise. My mum actually left me 9 missed calls after the class. I didn't bother to call her back straight away cause i know the urgency will lead me to high handphone bills. So i went straight home. She started rattling out the moment i came upon the door. Bla bla bla... She broke the news to me. My hamster, Pumpkin, is dead.
Hmm.. Well of course, at the point of time, i was devastated. I mean, that little fella has been my only confidante.
Then, i realised that the kiddo was playing dead. It's typical of him actually. Due to his sleeping habits, i came acroos a few anti-climax moments when i thought he's dead. Pumpkin would sleep so soundly at times, that i had to poke him to wake up.



//

So anyway, perhaps i haven shared with the world with my 3rd sis' wedding. The studio photos came out great. Oh yea, the photographer was Farhat for that one. The ones at the dinner and reception was by this other dude from Berita Harian. Smashing, i tell u! They looked gorgeous. If my wedding is around the corner, i would just cut and paste my face onto their pictures.



//

I miss my red-pink streaks. Really. I do. Called Mayrah today and asked that taitai whether she's free one of these days. She said her hair is full form now. No need to come down the place to do her streaks cause it might caused some swirlies. Typical taitai talk,maybe? I suppose she has her taitai duties to do.Sigh... If only, i'm a taitai when i reached her age of 24. Damn. hee...

pistachio

it was not a great weekend.lined up for NewAsia on friday night, until the newly weds said that it was crowded on the level 71.There goes my chance of meeting some hot expats. So we decided to moved out of Raffles and into the nightspot for ...ermm... kiddies. hahahah

Saturday and Sunday was pretty much like last week. Had to werk. But now, no more fun. Nafil found a stable job. Sigh... there goes my only fren at werk who understands my jokes. But werk was still manageble. Got changed into a runner now. yep, driving the BigBen to places for errands. Just in 2 days, i've understood Tampines roads. cool.

Been raining quite bad these days.During the NYP event, i had to wear full form of rain coat, just to get from NYP to home on the road.

ooo....Pinky gave this to me. cool pillow and a new tin-style water bottle. eheheh... This make me semangat to get a PSP. Ari Gato Gozaimasu!hee...

2nd class citizen/gender/race/fashion freak

I just hate it about being treated as a second class citizen. I thought life has way past pre-modernization. I was wrong. Experiences sure made me the way i am now. An angry person towards discrimi-nies.

1. A few days ago, I was at the Civic Centre doing my usual errands of postings. I was on leave from werk. No tuitions for the day. So basically, i just wore like i please. imitated- Paul Frank tshirt, khakis and my worn out Roxy slip-ons. Oh, yea... i was wearing my old spectacles. Practically I was just being who i was comfortable as. I rode and park like a civilised person. As i was walking to the entrance, there was this office-like lady walking in front of me. i suppose she worked at HDB. Opposite us was another office-like man making his exit. I was pissed of by the fact that he held the door for her and slammed the door when i was about to enter. Oh, and there was no, at least, apologies. So wat? I wasn't too presentable for you to be courteous to me?
Is dressing like a really comfortable person makes me any different from any other girls/women/ladies? Fuck u.

2. During my first lesson of my foreign languages weeks ago, i realised that i was the only person within my race. Everyone else was either taijin,chugokojin or mareshiajin. But bottomline is, their 2nd language was Chinese. Duh. So the part where i was treated like a 2nd class citizen was the part where everyone seems to not believe that i belong to my race. All because i have a difficult name to pronounce. HALLO!!! I have a better name than all of you dingbats in class. Do i look like i need a niptuck to look like u?

3. I believed now everyone knows wat's my 2nd job is. It requires me to interact with people. A little of crm. Once, a chinese lady spoke mandarin to her fren saying that malays are made to be in the food business as many of them are un-educated and anyway else is a bad idea to them. HALLO!!! WTF! Due to my skillful mandarin understanding and speaking, i answered her nicely while returning her change and told her that not all malays can't speak and understand mandarin! Power,dok!!! hee...

4.I love to ride. Getting used to the roads each time i do. So one time, i was on my way to tampines. As many would know, a girl riding a bike is not a norm. HALOO!!! Then why are many men are drivers? Riding a bike is too scary for u isit? So anyway, i was at the traffic light by my own. Along some KR and some other tonggeng-bikes. Heads turn with a surprise look to see me. Being men/boys, comments was made and stuff. It's irritating, u see. If you're making frens,fine. But when u say comments like "Steady ah... Girl Rider sey!!!!", it's like "HALLO!!! NEVER see a girl ride before isit?" Screw u guys la!!! Try to imagine if this is a women-dominated world.You will be stepped on if u're stuck at the traffic light with women riders. Is it wrong to be break a norm?

Sometimes i believe that the world is turning against me. I know it's not. But the things people do just make me angrier

been a long week

It was the Henna Ladies Night just now. Mayrah's... she's a lucky chick. It was my first time to attend an event like this. a ballroom full with hot looking arabic chicks was a please to many men who missed this out. even the "pemain kompang" were girls. Belly dancing, Sudanese dancing... bla bla... Oooo... even Mayrah danced! Absolutely hot.
I have pictures, but the girls are too hot to place it in here. So let's keep it for other times.
Ahdam wasn't of course. he's having his own men's night. I wonder wat they would call it for men. Henna night for ladies, maybe Cockies night for men? That's so corny,fiddy.

//

Been werking my fat arse these days. Met a few frens thru out the night. I guess some were surprised to see the other side of fiddy. hee... No worries. I understand if you have a change of perception towards me.
I realised that wat i get for my pay will be taken away immediately, due to some problems at home. It's ok,mum. at least i'm trying to work to help out with the household.
Money has been an issue lately. So is GSS. arghhhh.... Last thursday, i went shopping. It's great to know people working for brands like MNG, Zara,Esprit,Tiffany.... So Bobby told my sis and i regarding the big MNG sale. We went wild. I didn't go with her, though. I decided to go on my own. The last time both of us were at the sale, We took like 2hours to decide. So this time, i was HanSolo. Met Bobby at the counter. She smiled and i Smiled. I saw a nice off shoulder sweater, i smiled. Saw other pants and grin. Saw a really must-have denim jacket, i begin to frowned. Being alone means everything to me. Seriously. Especially during sales like this. I went with beaus before and all they do is either walked closely to me so that they dun get squashed by other shoppers, or keep frowning and asking persistently "when i'm done". I'm never done,my man. Never will. So i picked out like 5 tops and 3 pants. Tried them on and voila, i decided on 3 tops and 2 pants. Total was supposedly $120. But being a my sis' best fren, my total cost was $58. hee... great to know people right?
Today, i went shopping alone. was looking for shoes and a top for Mayrah's Henna night. I walked and surveyed. My sis called along the way. Coincidently. And by chance, it was a favour to get her some sk-II stuff. hmmm... In the end, i bought a handbag. Caused i realised that i have a toga top bought last season, still tagged. It matches with my new pants from MNG. hee... I saved....
Tomorrow, i will be in town for my class. I shall prevent myself from walking into hot shopping centres. Cause right now, i itch for shoes... Sorry mum. A girl gotta have too many shoes.

//

This morning, i heard a favorite song of mine. It was back in February when the episode of The OC played the scene whereby Ryan and Marissa was dancing at the SnoC.They played the Gwen Stefani song "Cool". It immediately became my favorite song. Now, the radio is playing it. How lagging are we?? Arghh...