not in

i've been wanting to update regarding my JI Alumni gathering. But nights have been busy and tiring. so i end up just surfing nets and to sleep. It was an eventful event. Came with Izman and Rajat.Met all my ex teachers who kept talking about my red-hair. ahahah... Mr Ting was surprised that i went into the IT industry. Can't blame him. I surprised myself too. Met the guys from my batch who are still as youthful as ever when they were in school. Took like 2 smoke break with izman outside school. hehe... it was weird smoking at the gate.Alif joined us for smoke too. Izman and i was surprised to hear that he is in Nursing now. wow... ex-rugby captain who goes to gym almost everyday, is now serving the nation as to being a nurse. i told him str8 that it's a good occupation as it is in need every country u go.
The dikir performance was great too. Shaipul was in. too bad the pics were too dark to see clearly. Oh and for once Aliffy and i had a bond in bikes. otherwise, we wont be talking. hahaha. after the event ended, i joined my seniors at Al Ameen. even though they met me for the first time, they were really hospitable. the real difference in chilling with these guys and the guys from my batch, is that, the guys in my batch talks alot more among each other cliques. oh well.
drove shaipul home when i shared with him some news. he was shocked of course. but i felt great telling him. he really showed some support i needed. dropping off at his home, i headed to Aye to meet budiman. got him to followed me ard to buy a top for my baju kurung. got it and now mummy criticised it and says it doesn't match. hate it when she does that.

tough love

it's tough love when he says he loves u, yet thinks the worst of u.
it's tough love when he claims he'll wait for u, yet he distance himself.
it's tough love when u willing gives up your frens, yet he claimed otherwise.
it's tough love when 2 souls are totally opposites on things
it's tough love when he claims to cherish you when he often talks about your fat issue.
it's tough love when u think it's real love, only to find out it was just an issue of bringing 2 people together.
it's tough love when u love someone, only to realise that he doesn't feel the same.
it's tough love when one calls another being an egoist bastard, only to realise tt it's too late to take back any words.

i thought i'm fine. but i'm not. i thought i'm ok with giving up my frens. but i'm not. now if u ask me to turn back and look for them, that's a mistake. why dwell on the past when the future is just beginning.

day-dreamer, i am.

I'm a day-dreamer. today, i didnt have to work. so i spent my free time, dreaming.
been also thinking about my wishlist for birthday. But of course, the following items in the list are not possible to get this year. duh.

note: girls,please leave this site if the next few images hurts your eye, or might lead you to pure envy of my taste. heheh..

(1)




This is a MUST-Have. Been dreaming alot about this car eversince it caught my eye on the road the other time. Wat amazes me was the pick-up speed was like... WOW!hahah.. i'm naive actually. those type pf pick ups lies in the driver's hand. if he can accomodate his biting point as well as i do (ehem...), then yea,he looks great in a beauty like this.
You know wat color i would like my BMW Z4 to be? Lilac. Nothing else. just plain Lilac.
Maybe ten years down the road,i mind be about to afford one of these. but of course, by then, i'm sure they will be out with a better series and cooler outlook.




(2)


This item is quite possible to get. Cause like i said, since now i no longer be able to drive my baby, i might as well throw back my interest in bikes. This is a XR 250 Tornado. it's so me. really. i'm not being a poser here, but hey, at least let me dream for now,aight?
Besides, it wont be impossible anymore, till i save up enough for this beauty.

(3)


I'm all out for great graphics and cooler gadgets. This is one gadget that i might probably won't hesistate to get with my first pay-check. I dunno why, but i feel that i'm more of a Mac person then a Win person.
I won't recommend anyone to get this Powerbook G4, cause i do not want it to be commercialised too much.It hurts to see something like that happen, u know!

(4)


Now, we're talking reality. This is the one that caught my eye recently. The Arai Tour X-2. it's cool right?!!?! there's a visor and a hood. As u can see, it's a perfect match to see me wearing this and riding the one above! hahah... i'm so in DENIAL!
So anyway, this baby (or some of u might call the DarthVader) cost about $650. Yes, it's an expensive item. But hey, u do need the best to protect your head. hehehe.
Still contemplating to get this or just modify my bro's Arai.hmmm... but either way, i still need to have one of these.

I may be a girly-girl at times, but i just feel that there is more to life than just bling-blings. no offence. Oh and by the way, i'm still a girly-girl. it's just the life that i'm given that leads me to want these things. hehehe....

cheeky-cheely

One thing i love working at my sis place, i get to know alot of things. whether it's street-wise or theory-sense, i just get to know many things each day.

Today, my bro-inlaw came. Been quite awhile i talked to him. He too, had a lot of things to talk to me about. We talked about photo-taking to dirty talks of motorcycles. Told him my plans of getting a full face helmet. he told me not buy since he wans to give away his Arai full face to me. yippe!!! now i more semangat to buy a new bike next year. heheh... he and my sis are having problems of settling into their new house and he missed his old racing days. one thing abt this guy, i can talk to him everything under the sun. from school work, to social problems. he's a great listener and also gives me good and bad comments. i take the bad ones seriously, ause i know whatever he say, it means well. He has a sister at my age too, so practically, he likes to think me as that sister who now, he sees rarely eversince they got married.

Had a talk with this other guy at werk too. he's this tall good looking chap who rides. he's really friendly to me cause we clicked on the fast track. it was my move that made him talked on how he got his 2 singaporean wives. yes, 2. he married 2 chicks. ahahah... as i listen to him, i guessed i was kinda stereotypical when we first met. like come on!!! what's the first thing that come to your mind when u know a guy who married twice. so anyway, he was telling me that a man have to be responsible. that's really true. u know how many men out there are so irresponsible? fuck the girl and leave her? this guy,however, flirts alot. so when he met his 2nd wife, it was just to be an affair. it was then he turn to Allah that made him realise that it was wrong. rather than making a deadly sin to leaving the girl, he married her to show responsibility. like wow?ahaha.. but of cos, his 1st wife kinda mind.

but of course, our talks are stopped by a rush hour of people buying burgers. hahah... sometimes, i feel helpless at the shop. i dun do much as the rest are werking on their on departments. while iall i do is keep the place tidy and remind the rest of their cleanliness and attitude. i can't bear to throw my weight around, cause afterall, i'm still a worker too. hehehe... (yea right...)

here's pic taken while i was picture-taking the car seats!

work this body

been werking for the past few days. i'm glad i decided to work at my sis place again. she's been busy at her other branch. so she needed me to take care of her Geylang branch. one thing i know about myself, if it's work, it's work. i dunno if this is what u call workaholic but i really enjoy working with the bunch. it's tiring and a lot of hard work, but we have our fun.
esp now that we're at Geylang Ramadhan, we get a lot of different "views". yes. lots of Hanyuts,Metropolitan and whatever u call this era's kids. I met alot of frens too while working.

"Eh, Fiddy. Ape kau buat kat sini?"

"Eh, u school at SIM,right?"

"Amacam, Fiddy?" <----i would answer as usual. "Macam semalam."

Old frens, new frens... and maybe future frens too i suppose. ahhaha.

Suppose to be tired now, but i just cant sleep.I dunno about my body now. I dun eat, i dun get enough sleep. I can just survive each day with my ciggs and lost of plain water. Anything else that goes into my body are expelled soon after i eat. Not trying to lose weight,seriously. I just feel like that. But of course, when people asked if i had eaten, i would just say i'm on diet to fit my kebaya. the kebaya that i have not bought. hmmm... weird,fiddy.
Oh yea, i think i've finally resigned as the PA of MNGs. tiring job. gonna hand over my duties to shaipul,i hope. eehhe... big deal.
see ya

the phase

It's turning 3am now and just finish reading my database book on the section of relational diagrams. It's just a cover-up to the fact that i cant sleep.
Been thinking alot about my life for the past few days. It's getting boring,i know. but i guess i can't help it.
It's hard to let go of something that you had for a long time. It really hard. like the Oasis song sings,Don't look back on Anger. I dun la!! what i mean is that, this is just a phase for both of us to get thru. There isn't any regrets to be said, just memories. memories of one another that leaves behind certain aspects in our life. there shouldn't be regrets cause if there were any, it would have ended much earlier.
I learnt my lesson on many things for the past few days. one lesson i learnt is that, it's best to let go rather than brooding it. another lesson i learnt is that, life goes on because of many reasons. For me, i'm on my journey to graduate, keeping my family together and getting my frens back. I've missed out too much of the life that i should be living. U know what i really wanna do? I really wanna go to the beach and sit for hours. not under the sun. but under the stars. just stare blankly and reflect.
we develop great feelings for things, but we can develop great negative feelings for things too. but this is where we learn to let go. we still will meet things that we can love and not love. i wont be opening up my options for partners as yet. but i'm opening up my options to meet new things, make new frens, party all night and even actually As for my subjects. There's so many things waiting for us out there that is just waiting for us to seek.
this phase will come and go. trust me on this.

redundancy

somethings are redundant until u have the need. Like blog. An inactive blog had suddenly come to live. It's weird.
Another long day at school for me. Now all i can think about is how to spend each day in school, working for my sister and what to plan for my bday. Nothin else. I have to keep myself occupy. I have to. It's hard and hurting. But i have to move on. Some things just wont change.

Met up with my old fren and talked alot. It was a nice chat cause we both lost our youth thru out the years. and recently met eversince i'm in this distress. It was just occasional sms-ing that kept us together. He's really great with his gf. I envy them. But these few days, it's just me and him cause his gf often flys off. Stewardess sey... We talked mainly about his past few years when he really someone to turn to when i was not there. Yes, 6-7 years ago, i was constantly there for him. it was hard to keep in touch cause of his job scope.

I realised that times like this, i really need my frens. some frens of course.

Mungkin

I'm probably the most typical minah these days. Everthin on my iPod just tells u about me. Now my really next song sis the song below. It's so sad.
Talked to Howe Chern and Mayra yesterday. It kinda helped. we exchange advices and listen to each other. I guess, it not practically the end for me. I just have to fac the music. My situation isn't ad bad as Howe's. I kinda felt better. I dunno why but i guess, it's one of those phase u gotta go thru after you had been with someone for a long time.

Had a chat with another fren last night. It's been a long time since i talked to him. Then i realised, he was the only person willing to listen to my stories. I cried my heart out. I just brokedown. I keep telling myself not to. For the past few days, i was definitely fine. But last night, we started talking on what is really wrong. Then i just broke down. Realised that living in denial is all crap. i had to take that feelings out.and i did. i dunno if i felt better today. Cause the first thing i thought of this morning was "him".
sigh.

Mungkin- Anuar Zain

Biarkanlah saja diriku sendirian tanpamu
Biarkanlah aku merindu sekian lama
Bukan maksud untuk membisu
Sepi tanpa kata
Terpisahnya kita kerana mengejar impian

KORUS:
Mungkinkan bersama
Dua jiwa ini
Dalam mencari cinta sejati(nan suci)
Mungkinkah segala derita di jiwa
Akan terubat kini

Biarkanlah saja diriku
Sepi tanpa kata
Terpisahnya kita kerana
Mengejar impian

(Ulang korus)
Hanya satu pintaku
Sabarlah menanti
Ku kan pulang bersama cinta

berhenti berharap

I'm not a mat rock jiwang type. But i'm sure i'm a huge fan for the Indo scene.Was listening to this song over and over again as i was thinking the whole day in school.
Then some1 asked me a qns.

Some1:Why you like this song so much?
Me:I dunno.
Some1: Does it mean anything to u?
Me: I guess u can say so.
Some1: Then maybe u should not sing it anymore.
Me: Why?
Some1:It's songs like this that make u think that u had regrets.
Me: i do have regrets.
Some1: Then don't.

Berhenti Berharap - S07

Aku tak percaya lagi
Dengan apa yang kau beri
Aku terdampar disini
Tersudut menunggu mati
Aku tak percaya lagi
Akan guna matahari
Yang dulu mampu terangi
Sudut gelap hati ini

Aku berhenti berharap
Dan menunggu datang gelap
Sampai nanti suatu saat
Tak ada cinta kudapat
Kenapa ada derita
Bila bahagia tercipta
Kenapa ada sang hitam
Bila putih menyenangkan

Reff :
Aku pulang ….. tanpa dendam
Kuterima kekalahanku
Aku pulang…. tanpa dendam
Kusalutkan kemenanganmu

Kau ajarkan aku bahagia
Kau ajarkan aku derita
Kau tunjukkan aku bahagia
Kau tunjukkan aku derita
Kau berikan aku bahagia
Kau berikan aku derita

Reff :…Rebahkan tangguhmu
Lepaskan perlahan
KAu akan mengerti, semua

singlehood swing.

Today is a day that i find it hard to wake up from my sleep. In fact, i laid awake til wee hours Oh wait, i think i managed to cry myself to sleep. Pathetic, i know. I'm back to the singlehood. Turns out, i'm really in the hood alone.Decided to face away from my close frens too. I have to go through this alone, this time. I'm feeling like Bree as she consoles her self when Rex died. I'm feeling like Marissa when she was told by Ryan that Theresa is pregnant. I feel like Summer when she heard that Seth had sailed away without he for the whole summer holidays.
Truthfully, i feel like i wan to go for a run in miles. Just keep running and running. And of course, eventually, jog back to my home.

I know i hurt his feelings. But after so much considerations, i think i hurt mine the worst. I'm helpless at this moment. I really am. My sister told me to be strong on the outside and the inside the day she left home. She said those words to comfort me as i painfully cry for her company to stay at home with me to face the family fav music. This morning, she said something else that really oozes my tears. She told me that i have a wonderful life ahgead. Irregardless of how things gets nasty, she will still be my fren in these times.I'm glad i still have her.
Of course, i turned to Kuga.She had been my oldest and yet closest fren eversince we both started out to see "boys" back in sec sch. But i'm happy that she's happy with her Vj. I'm glad she got her life sorted back when things go wrong. She's probably one of those frens who never had a breakdown. Unlikeme. I just do not know why i cant handle breakdowns. I just can't.

At this moment, i'm here in school. Thinking of where to write my thoughts. So glad i have this. Been in school the whole day. This is probably the only place i run too when i'm just rotten like now.

I just wanna extend my apologies to him who might be reading this. Maybe things are not meant to be the way we thought it would be. Maybe there is some other couple going through this like we are. Maybe there is that someone perfect for you. Maybe that someone is less enduring than me. Maybe someone out there would open your heart like i did. I'm just as rotten as you are feeling right now.

So true

This is so true. I'm exactly like this. wow. amazing test.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage. In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

pretty ok

I had a blast of time yesterday that, i forgot to eat. seriously.

Met up a fren from my past yesterday. He didn't changed abit! it was pretty cool when it was just us talking about the time i was dating his fren, and he dated my fren. ahhaha.... It was getting nostalgic when he had to go met his gf and i had to excuse myself from being a lamp post. Had like 2 hours to killl til i met Rafiq and Zul. Called "him" up, but he was just busy sulking with me just because i didnt go out with him yesterday. It suddenly feels like i'm tied down.It was an awful feeling.really. yet he had the cheek to say that i was selfish. he didnt think about all those times i had to be home alone on weeknights and weekends cause of his training. i can't believe someone can be so self-centred.

Met up with the MNGs, for supper to commerate Nur's bday. The boy is now 25. ahahah.. Boy. I'm glad he loved the Spy backpack we got him. Now he can carry his notebook like a pro!Too bad Shaipul couldnt make it. would have been better if he was there. Cause if he wasn't there, he would talk to me in the car. cause that typically HIM kept talking to Ibrahim (he was the driver). I was so lonely at the back. :P It's ok shaipul, we still have other Mngs bday til the end of this year to celebrate.

Maybe i should impose a fine fore frens who don't turn up for outings.

Here's one photo to remember this event.

me need shoes

me need shoes. i was reading Azza'a entry on bags. yes, we girls need to have alot of bags. for me, i need alot of shoes and bags.

but now, i realised that i'm short of one pair of footwear.here's my sad story on how i need to get that particular pair of footwear.

"I've been running (more jogging,actually) for the past few days. Today, i felt different as i put on my running shoes. somehow, my left side was kinda "flatten". I had airmax, u see. so i usual run in ease feeling the Nike air pushing me upwards. I know that sounds ridiculous, but yea.
So, back to my left side. I ignored the empty feeling for like 5 minutes. then, i slipped and kinda fell while running. My shoes failed me. my left side kinda "broke". the sole was totally off.
Of course i didnt cry. i just picked myself up and went home. My shoe? It's un-repairable( is there such a word?) Well that pair of shoes had been with me since jc days. i guess it's about time i get a change."

Get my story?all my pumps can be used for running duh. so maybe i'll get down to Queensway for a new pair. hope to get a bargain cause there's other things need to be paid. I need new running shoes!!!!

home coming

Suddenly i'm all reminded of this upcoming Ji Homecoming. It's true. Once a Ji-an, Always a JI-an.
I can't believe it that they are having a homecoming for us. so-called alumni.
my heart kinda feels half-hearted to go. I am organising some peeps along the way to come along with me. Will be getting my sister car so i can pull in some peeps. I mean, like hello... i cant fit many ppl in my own car.

Ji.... sigh.. it's becoming offensive if u think of it in the other way. Sigh.... the place where alot of "firsts" for me.
My first love.
My first Workout. (like,throughly)
My First love-at first-sight.
My First true friendship with the greatest girls i known.

I still remember when i met him. It was the first day or orientation in year 2000. i was super late that day. I woke up earlier during the day to realise that i had to be somewhere. and yes, i had to be in school for some boring orientation. put on my sec sch uniform and set off into my dad's car as he gave me a lift.
registered and some senior took me to a class room where we had our "OG" games. Yea, ice breaking. And there he was.Chubby, smart-looking Henderson Uniform, sitting there like there's no wrong wat so ever.
i didnt want to pick to sit next to him, cause then my view will be block, so i sat opposite. and along came another boy (yes, at that time boys are not man yet), wearing his Victoria uniform and carrying a hockey. the rest became history as that VS boy eventually became the jester of my class.
so where was i? oh.. my crush. sigh... it was the crush i had the longest. yes. A whole year, until we finally hooked up in year 2.
Well ofcourse, he wasn't the centre of my life then.
I met the greatest girls whom i still love til now. Mya, Fiza,Mariana,Naila and Noraini. The every day gossip on who is on who. who is the bitch. who is the next project for Basri. ahahah...

Now, JI HOMECOMING. I don't even know if i'm ready to face the mucis. i know i'm being a drama-mama here. but that place means so much to me.i'm not excited to go back there and feel happy. i'm just sad cause whatever had happen to me JI, suddenly remained in JI.
weird.

goodbye my lover

it seems like forever everytime i said i'm selling my car. but looks like, reality is finally here. once the bank approves it, my car will be taken away from me end of this month. sigh.... i'm sad u know. not because i dun get to honk everyday, or because i have to go public (still got my bike), or because i dun get to speed. But i'm sad because i love this car. i really do. i mean, who would have thought that the love of my life is a machine. a torch-red machine. it's not about it being a performance car, but its about the passion i put into it.

i dun think i'll be getting a new car anytime soon. but one thing i'll definitately miss is the fact that, i get heads turn by eligible men drivers at my housing estate carpark. sigh. gonna miss walking to the car park hoping that my baby is feeling ok to be on road.

one thing i love about myself is that, i tend to love things more than people. everytime i honk or brake suddenlyt, i would pat my baby's steering wheel and apologize for the sudden event. hee.. weird, but hey, at least i have it to turn too each time it rains.

no pics of my car, cause i just realise that i never took any pics of the car eversince i drove it. oh . and i'm selling my bucket seats before the car leaves. they are only 7months old. pretty new and still comfortable. i mean come on, i bet those of u who drives a performance car love to have one of these bucket seats. will get some pics soon.


-----------------------


one thing about my parents is that, i never undertood them. neither do they try to understand me. they argue and argue like there's no tomorrow. me being the youngest really feel un-daughterly. it's like they never bothered to think that i'm still alive and listening to their noise each day.

this ramadhan seems like the worst. every things seems wrong. sometimes, i even had to resort to eat out alone than sitting on the dining table with them. we can eat together almost every night, but it's always a total silence. my mum would feast up the table, but despite of that, it's still full of silence. on very rare occasion, i'll start up a conversation on how my day was, but it usually ends early as no one respond.

i seriously want to know how to help. but i never could. i always take it like i'm the abandoned sister who my sisters left. all 3 of them couldn't stand my dad any longer, that is why they are happily living in different ends of Spore. they left me. seriously, they do. i'm happy that they are happy. but i wish i could at least have one of them to keep accompany at home. i just feel so lonely at home. i hardly talk to dad and mum... sigh... everytime i wanna talk, she's busy talking about herself.

i'm glad that i'm all grown up now. i don't suffer from any psychological mentally from this whole family event. i guess that's why i'm more reserve. so dun think this whole entry is to get pity or anything. i just needed to tell the whole how i really feel. i'm a happy person actually. i dun let family problems get to me. well, ok. sometimes it does.

so now u know why i am an emotional person. Hard on the outside, soft and subtle on the inside. hee...


-------------------------------------


today i went to get the big pressie for Nur's upcoming birthday. saddly, i went alone. it seems that everyone else was too busy to accompany me. anyone, esp Shaipul, will tell u that i'm a bad wrapper. seriously, i wrapped that big bag for nur, horribly. but then again, who cares how the wrapping paper is wrap. at least the present is wrap. he's gonna rip it apart anyway.

i was telling shaipul that i think my ideal job is a PA. yea, cos i realised that i've been doing so many things for my frens for them. just this year, i have countless of events that they needed my help. and yea, i'm helpful, so i do help them. like, emailing UOL for them, booking the ecR for them, gathering everyone up for dinner, getting everyone to pay for presents and the list goes on. then i realise something. it seems that no one seems to do anything, unless i do it. arghhh... yes, i'm complaining!!! Because of all these things i do for u ppl, i find it hard to let go when we graduate. who are u gonna look for to help u with these things? (heee....)

got bored again.

I'm not usually a girly girl. But when it comes to silver and white gold, i just melt... i just do. Then, i saw this.




Well, it's really affordable. But i cant seem to bring myself to buy it now. cause of one reason.
My birthday is coming. hee.... i guess i'll wait til my birthday (if i get extra cash) and give it to myself. Pathetic, i know. But i can't help it. No one knows how girly i am. anyone who buys me presents wouldnt have this in mind at their back of the head to grab me one of this.

Can u imagine me wearing this? I can't. That's why i have to get this to have change.

Menanti Sebuah Jawaban
by Padi


aku tak bisa luluhkan hatimu
dan aku tak bisa menyentuh jiwamu
Seiring jejak kakiku bergetar
Aku telah terpagut oleh cintamu
Menelusup hariku dengan harapan
(namun kau masih) terdiam membisu

Reff :
Sepenuhnya aku ingin memelukmu
mendekap penuh harapan
Tuk mencintaimu
Setulusnya aku akan terus menunggu
menanti sebuah jawaban
Tuk memilikimu

Betapa pilunya rindu menusuk jiwaku
Semoga kau tahu isi hatiku
Dan seiring waktu yang terus berputar
Aku masih terhanyut dalam mimpiku

Back to Reff
Intro
Back to reff (2x)
Aku tak bisa luluhkan hatimu
Dan aku tak bisa menyentuh jiwamu

got bored on a sunday

Your Superhero Profile

Your Superhero Name is The Chameleon WarriorYour Superpower is Divine interventionYour Weakness is GlitterYour Weapon is Your Robotic CrossbowYour Mode of Transportation is Seahorse

What's" your Superhero Name?

Your Career Type: Artistic

You are expressive, original, and independent.Your talents lie in your artistic abilities: creative writing, drama, crafts, music, or art. You would make an excellent: Actor - Art Teacher - Book Editor Clothes Designer - Comedian - Composer Dancer - DJ - Graphic DesignerIllustrator - Musician - Sculptor The worst career options for your are conventional careers, like bank teller or secretary.

What's" Your Ideal Career?

i'm down on my knees

Dear Blogspot,
here i am, typing in my feelings at this moment. I'm in the school library now, with my notebook. every1 else with a notebook are actually surfing for some un-related school work. i know cause it's pretty obvious.
i'm feeling really rotten now and that is why i'm taking some time off to think properly. rotten, not because that previous HE has a gf now, but because of my ISP proposal. yes, my information systems project proposal.
i'm almost down on my knees just because of my proposal objectives.my MSM mood even got worst. i had to leave my MSM aside to concentrate on my ISP proposal.
met my supervisor just now and he kinda (maybe, purposely) dissed me off with my proposal. it's very oxymoronic for him to say that my proposal was "overall fine" in his email and yet to disapprove it when i met him just now with the print-out.
i dunno why, but i feel so rotten cause i thought i put in enough efforts to do that one on Implementation Failures. Looks like, enough is never enough. i think this is my worst feelings yet eversince things went back at home.
i ran out of ideas for a project now. almost every1 else has started the next ohas which is to start on the literature review.But not me. i can't even get my objectives right.
what's wrong with me?
why can't i focus?
why i can't seem to get to the point of satisfaction of others?
i'm fasting and feeling rotten. what i wan to do most at this moment is get a Caramel Latte at Starbucks, chat with a fren and smoke a whole pack.
but i can't. I have to try to discipline myself and get motivated on a new idea.yes, even if that means i have to stay in the school library til they chase me out.
Please advise.

pur

cute right, this cat?!!! I bet even if ibrahim sees this, he will hug and rub his nose to this cat's belly!!!

mamam

ma-mam. ma-mam. ma-mam.

i feel that the fasting thingy has made me like a bear hibernating.U know... the part when winter is coming. then the bear will stuffed up all the food by eating them and stuffing them up their ass?well of cos i dun stuff up my ass la! i've been eating alot. hehehe

yesterday, my 2nd sis and family came. My 5 yr old nephew kinda said something.... nice?

Ryan: Auntie, i want to ask you something ah.
Auntie: Yes? It better be good.
Ryan: Ok. Why ah, auntie, some Indians are muslims?

I was kinda shocked to hear this, but i remained calm.

Auntie: Errrr... why you asking me this? Where did you get this from?
Ryan: I dunno ah. But my heart tells me.
Auntie:Ok. Some Indians are Muslims because they believe things like we do. It doesn't matter whether they are chinese, indians or karang guni(i'll explain later), if they are muslims, it's ok.
Ryan: Realli ah, auntie? Ok orh....Auntie, is your Mirmot muslim?

At that point, it kinda took me to unstability for a second. But then i realised, maybe, my nephew is jus curious. Oh yea, karang guni man. He's really terrified of the karang guni man. Everytime, the karang guni man would come by his house, he'll start crying and hide. yes, despite of being 5yr-old. And yea, the whole conversation is in English. I'm proud to say that my nephew prefer to speak in english than in malay cause he's practically trained to.
Oh, and yea, Mirmot means my hamster. Somehow his Bibik taught him that hamsters are named Mirmot for some reason.

so confirdent

some people are so confident for like... "semangat 5 minute". Just pissess me off on this day. Last week, everyone said it was ok and cool to meet weekly to do the project discussion together every thurs. then now, come to thurs, it seems that everyone had already make prior engagements.

arghh.

ass.

childhood.

I dunno if i can say i had a great childhood. it wasn't as good as u hear other childhoods from other kids. I guess maybe, mine is more "special". There was a point in my childhood when my mum left my dad for France. My dad... i dunno whether he was happy or sad. My first 2 sisters lived with my grandma for that period while me and my 3rd sis lived with my dad. I was young and clueless to know why the dispartion, but i know the truth.

2-3 years later, my mum got back and things were normal. but it was for awhile til the fights and arguments began in the household.Til now.

Til now, i prayed each night i sleep like the dead. cause i do not want to wake up hearing noises from the living or from my parents' bedroom. Cause i do not want to know that when i wake up, sadness gloomed the house. I'm quite a dead sleeper for some of u would know. It's not something i'm proud of. But it's something i'm glad that Allah hear my prayers at times.

I'm telling my life story here, cause Ramadhan had reminded me to be appreciative of what i have. I do appreciate of what i have. I never blamed my dad for being abusive to mum or my sisters. I appreciate that it's til day, he never had to worry anout me. I appreciate my mum venting her frustrations on me, verbally of course, cos it's only by this way, her voice is heard. Ramadhan had reminded me also that, maybe this time, things will get better from what they are now. No matter how hard times had been, it's the faith that one carries to believe.

So let me just remind all of you, my friends. Maybe life isn't as bad as you think it is. In fact, your life could have better than mine. You dun grow up watching your mum getting hit, or your sister getting slammed to the door,right? then your life is better.

It's just a phase in life that i suppose gives u the chance to either live it or leave it.

jokes

i like to make stupid jokes when i'm with my sis and her hubby. here's one.

Sis: Ape sey u! suka makan kepala ikan.Tak seram ke tengok mata dia?

Hubby: Abih dah order ikan nie, takkan nak miss makan kepala dia.

(Takes the head and swing it left to right in front of my sis' eyes, scaring her.)

Me: Baik2. nanti kan termimpi-mimpi pasal ikan tu.

Yea, that's a stupid joke. As u can see, i'm bored now.

Oh another bad joke is that, me and sister kept laughing and laughing non stop during an experience at Gelang Patah. It was all because we saw a road named Jalan Kacang Buncis.

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Fasting month is gonna be here soon. U know what i love about fasting? I jus LOVVVEEEEIT..... It's a whole month where by i won't eat alot (even though i'm not fasting sometimes). I won't the whole day, but at the end of the day, i get to eat great food!!! yes... got my favorites kuihs making a comeback this month. Got BadakBerendam, Kuih Kera, Jongkong and bla bla....

well of course, this year round, i'm aim to keep fit and lose weight as well. cause i told my seamstress to cut 2 inches for my baju kurung. heee...

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Being part of this dysfunctional family, i find that i'm not the black sheep in the family. in fact i realise that i'm the Looker. everyone will look for me whenever they are in need.

My question is. Why me?

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One thing i love to do is to eat while i drive. I know it's a bad habit and all. But i can't help it. I usually skip breakfast and tends to brunch alot.

The last and most difficult experience i've tried eating during is eating a Cornetto IceCream. It was so tempting when i walked into the Mama shop near my tutee's home. And it was going for $1????? Like duh. even Ibrahim can't say no to this.