PP

PP seh....!!!

i was awaken by 5 smses from the different networks of frens this morning. yes, it's the PP that govt gave us. it's into most of our banks. i used the word most, cos i know someone other there hasn't got hers. gaga.haha. gua dah pakai lah a fraction of my pp lah!!!

anyway, remember my incident with one of my sisters regarding tt bill payment? sigh. since pp has arrived, i actually used some of it to pay that freaking bill. argh. paying somebody else's shit. i've managed to immediately put away some money into my other bank account for safe-keeping as well. the rest, i paid my other bills. i didn managed to buy some stuffs for me. went out the whole day with the boy to go get lingerie, some earrings and also earphone pads. PINK lah!! pink earohone pads. cool kan? now i managed to keep aside some cash for that MaryJ shoes by Vans. finally. a nice pair of shoes tt's worth waiting and buying.all i need to do now is to drag myself to Khai's shop and get it. haha...

Exam entry proof has arrived too. sigh.. it's like so freaking near now. really really near. my revisions are slow, but it's moving. alot to consume still. but whenever i study with my bestie in school, i didnt have the heart to complain to him about my subjects. u see, i only have to study for 2 and a half units for the exams. the 4th paper is actually a coursework exam, so, no studying for that. whereas, my dear bestie has like 4 and a half units to study for. heh? kecian lah nasib dia. macam kentang betul. so fiddy just shuddup cos fiddy knows Isk will get pissed off if Fiddy complains about her pathetic 2.5 units comparing to his 4.5 units. my future banker is officially my bestie. haha. banker eh? tak bole percaya lah.

thursday was quite harsh for me. i kena "azan" by my parents and never in my life, my 3rd sister. sigh... i think they are right though. i've been really playful these days. i really gotta discipline myself. but it's not like i'm not studying. yea i know at times, i go home way-way late . but i still study hard. looks like, the month of May will be really discipline. really. i really oughta discipline myself. i wouldnt want my 3 years in school go wasted,kan? sigh.

Airis Amelia

Airis Amelia.

i like to daydream during day and night. and today i daydream-t during studying MSM. MSM is getting to bore me, so i was like listening to Iris on my iPod and listen to it over and over again. then i remembered i used to daydream with Budiman that i would really like to have a kid. a daughter. then i will be able to name her NurAnna Amelia. hee... macam cute kan? then today, the song Iris macam stuck to me lah. so now i like Airis Amelia. hee... cute kan?

anyway, all tt can wait. i'll just keep a list of names that i like for now.

now, Finals. i realised tt i spent so much time on HRM, i neglected MSM. now MSM bores me cos i cant seem to do many of the topics. argh!!!

heartaches

heartaches

everywhere i go, there will be couples hand-in-hand. even teh ppl i talked to most are happily attached. my bestie,khai,all of Mngs and even Rudolph who strays around at the void deck with a female cat. i wanna be attach too. but it seems that God had other plans for me. perhaps, i'm being tested by Him to wait for the right one. the one that would be perfect to be match up with me. perhaps, i'm just looking too hard at the places too long.

memories

Memories.

it was an eventful saturday. i was in school with my bestie and we did our studying. took breaks where we would talk abt jobs and my current problems. i guess i should be more realistic now. even though Mng hasnt been the great frens on my current problems these days, i still have my bestie to talk to. yes. i was almost in tears whenever we talked abt Budiman. but i'm firm and strong. so i held back. it's no more use to me or anyone else, cos i've ran out of tears for him. it was a great move.

then i met my bro and Mat. went to JB to give my KittyWave some good servicing. kinda change a few stuff too. like the footrest and "tempat-gantung-tek-tarik". hee... the guys at the bengkel were nice too. i guess i wasn't feeling odd at all,even though i was the only girl there with a bike. they were really nice. as much as ppl like to say that JB is quite dangerous now, i guess, it depends. the guy Am at the bengkel was a funny guy who we all like to disturb due to his "sengau"ness. haha. overall, i made up my mind to save up for the racing boy gear/footrest set next round. it's awesome lah... macam racing ah konon. abih kalau dah pakai fully-synthetic racing engine oil, amacam? my Kittywave is happy now. hehe. she's all clean inside and outside. hee..

another event took place when i chatted with Fiza again just now. i guess i mention some things that she shouldnt be knowing. i felt horrible about that still. anyway, i think talking to her helps abit. cos, she's like a stranger to me. and for a stranger to give me advices on life, it's kinda ok once in a while. she and my other close frens has been telling me the same thing. sigh. i just wish someone out there knows exactly what i'm going thru.

she, my bestie and Azza been telling me to give him another chance. so i asked fiza, how many chance does he gets til i give up. so she said that it doesnt matter how many chances as long as i still like him. my gawd. yes i still like him. but somehow, i feel that he doesnt feel the same way anymore. i cant drag this on anymore. i'm too tired. i just wanna move on. someone asked me why is it so hard. it's because what i had with him is all the things i wan in life. someone who can tahan my manja-ness, some to tahan my nonsense,someone who can wait for 6 hours for me to do my hair, someone to shop shoes with for hours and someone who i can cry my heart out whenever i have troubles in school or home. While i was playing the Mungkin song by Anuar Zain, Fiza actually pointed out tt it was Budiman's fav song. so i was telling her the vivid memory i had with him. which is, i sang tt song to him almost everyday that i swore if i ever work in KL, i will befriend with Anuar and get him to sing at our wedding. haha tt is why i still like him. i don't wanna find another rebound to replace him. i just want tt one.

but like they say, love is all about sacrifices. and now it's my turn to make my sacrifice. all i asked for is his happiness. and i know he will be happy with this Fiza. i know he will be. as long as he doesnt treat her the way he's treating me now. Khai, who constantly becomes my shoulder-to-cry on, thinks that i'm doing myself good that i'm helping her to save that r/s she was having with budiman. yea, i guess so. i may feel hurt and everything, but at least i know he will have someone to pamper him like i used to. and tt's wat makes him happy. To Ctsue, i'm so sorry for pinjam-ing Khai from u. hee.. i know u guys are just starting the r/s and everything, but i just needed khai for tt moment to cry on. other than that, i'm just glad Khai found his happiness in life with u. heee.. yippe. another happy couple.

u know wat? i kinda feel awkard now in Mng, cos basically, i'm the singled out now. haha. sigh.. hidup hidup. and the upcoming chalet will be like Mng+Gfs=FiddyIsLonely. sigh...

oh well, back to the finals. it's almost 24th Apr soon. it means, i'm just days away now from my first paper. i'm sure gonna kick ass. haha. shall devote all my hatred,anguish,jealousy and sad feelings to positive ones so i can focus better in my exams. but then again, who am i kidding here?

bored singing

bored + hrm = singing in my head

me in school now. i got bored. so here i am. the 2 songs that's in my iPod playing over and over again.

Finch- Letters To You

Can't you see that i wanna be there with open arms
It's empty tonight and i'm all alone
Get me through this one

Do you notice i'm gone?
Where do you run to so far away?

I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so
I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so

I'm writing again these letters to you aren't much,
I know
But i'm not sleeping and you're not here
The thought stops my heart
Do you notice i'm gone?
Where do you run to so far away?
I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so [x4]

No more looking i've found home

I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so [x4]
I'm gone away
I'm gone away

-----------------------------------------------------------
Kelly Clarkson - Behind These Hazel Eyes

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothing could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here i am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am,
once again I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you,
I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...(anymore)

Here I am, once again I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Here I am, once again I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Because of you

Because of you.

i realise that the past few days, i was rotten and hard on myself. then today i felt much better. i don't why. maybe i finally made a decision of being myself again. i;m still not ok because of my current situation. but life goes on. all i ask is for him to be happy and i have a happy life. now i'm trying to let him decide to have fiza,instead of me. i don't derserve to have him. she does. sh'e just everything i'm not. i'm not looking down at myself. i'm just saying that she's something that he will ever need. not me. i just hope she gets to be appreciated more than the way he treated me in the past.

i guess all i need now is my frens' support and attention for awhile. after that, i can give them back to their various gf and bf. haha.

and no, i'm not looking for a new Mamat now. not when i'm in fixing my heart. yea, insyallah, i'll meet someone eventually. but for now, let's just get the finals going,k?

katanya

Katanya... bukan Katakanlah...

it was a dreadful morning. found out more things than expected from the day before. kept reading the only sentence she wrote to me on my question, over and over again.

"We spent e eve of Valentines' to e day itself until @ 3.30pm (on V day)".

i know i promised my frens who really showed concern that i'll move on. a promise is a promise. anyway, that was the biggest lie anyone can possible say to me. sigh. kenapa lah hidup macam perempuan bodoh....

despite of the sad morning, i braced myself and went to school.Rafiq could see how awful and bad actress i am. yet, he didnt said a word cos i did sms him in the morning abt it accidentally. he asked if i wanna talk about it, but i replied and said i will not, cause i might end up crying and not studying. i wrote a letter. a letter that has no direction yet, cos i have no idea if i should give it to budiman. it's an awful letter but it's wat i felt. studying went Ok. managed to cover HRM and abit of MSM. exams are so freaking near.

khai called to check up on me. we talked and i know from his voice that he's one of those really sincere frens that's worth keeping afterall. it's like, u will just know the sincerity. he told me to go out and have fun, instead of being alone and everything. but i was too engrossed in my books. my books are better keepers these days. by night fall, everyone left due to some other engagements. so i was contemplating on going home or chill out somewhere. and hence, khai bugged me down to Tampines after he closed shop. since i was on my way to sengkang to help my sis, i decided to meet up that network of frens of mine.

haha. the Old Scums. they made my day. they really did. it was just laughters and imaginations coming out from every single one ,even Kak Nico. Joey kept saying Katakan lah (Hazami's song), when in fact the joke was actually to say "Katanya....". i felt better cos they made me realise that, i do have ppl i know that can cheer me up. even though we're arent the greatest of frens, it just helps.

oh, did i mention, i talked to Bayu today in school after a very long time? nothin fishy of cos. it was a simple hi-and-bye and checking on each other on study schedules. this was before i started studying. even though it felt nothin between us, it kinda made me smile today. i mean, even if it's not bayu and my own frens who i don't see often, i would still smile. i guess smiling is a trait i own irregardless of the situation.

my gawd. i keep on running bad patches in my life. when will all of this stop? i guess it's all karma. being a bad ass in the past really is coming back to me,i suppose. was it something i did in my last life that i'm having these now? argh. i'm a tate bit close to just go back to my doctor. yes. that doctor. the doc that can give me nice candies that allow me to sleep in dreamless dreams.

a lyf that full of thorns

a lyf that is full of thorns

i had to blog now at 745pm, cos i'm like waiting for my tuition kid to come. i wont be able to log in later cos i'll be sleeping over at my sis' place. oh well.. no PC for the night.

i started my morning quite drastically. found out more things from the only person that i may get some honesty from. and so, here i am. contemplating to be guilty or sad or cheated. i expected the opposite of the outcome. but now that the outcome had surfaced, it totally made me think about the word "us". konon, macam step Hanyut ah.. "Hanyut:Masihkah ada Harapan". truthfully, i believe, God had finally showed me that today is my turning point. He had proven to me that my eyes were not meant to be kept shut from the world of honesty.

i'm disappointed. i am really. all i asked is for some honesty. and he cant even give me that. in teh end, i caused a guy's happiness and a girl's misery. why does it have to be this way? i wish i could just shut everything away and live my life. but i can't. i really cant. how is everything suppose to be alright the moment when he comes back? how can things go back to the way it was? am not a person with feelings?

sigh. i just wanna thanks some of my frens like Khai and Isk. i'm glad i held my tears back well. it takes a lot of training. to khai who had to go thru this with my cryings and whining, i owe u one. it will all stop now. i'm being firm about this. to frens who had the hidden agenda to get me and him back again, maybe, u all should stop there. it will never work. i'm not being childish, but i hope u guys be understanding enough to know that his presence is only gonna stop me from moving on. i'm just sad that my own mng frens would still include him in events. but i'll be ok. even though our paths may cross some how, i'll just keep it low.

egg tarts

egg tarts

i started my day with egg tarts from my area's bakery. it wasn't fantastic, so i made it a point that i end my day with the fantastic ones. azhar scum suppose to take me to the famous egg tart place he knows. but tt day never came, did it? haha. so i actually went to SPC and got the replacements. fantastic.

yesterday's ktv session was memorable. so i end up thinking about it the whole day. it was when i visited syu's blog and saw the song. haha. "Because of You". i remembered that it was the first song i sang, standing up. i really sang my hearts out during that song cos i wanna get it off my chest. even Nafil and Mas was amazed on how strong my voice can actually be when i sang a song like that with the full-perasaan. obviously because i was feeling it. haha. the following songs i sang, i sat down. but when it comes to Expose (I'll never get over you.), i stood up again. the best part was when i sang Ku ukirkan Namamu. i stood up and sang my lungs out, followed by Nafil who was inspired by me, joined in. so we sang arm-in-arm. sigh.. 2 heartbrokens singing their feelings away last night. it was worth it.

anyway, it was a great day to begin with at 12pm. went to school, did my Markov Process and Hrm. but all good things must come to an end. i had to help my sister do closing. she was having s fever, so i feel bad if i said no. so yes, i took BigBen, went to Sengkang. closed both shops, send some of them at Woodlands, then Yew Tee and then Dover. woah. that's a long drive, seriously. reached back in Jurong at around 130am. i was contemplating to sleep over or not. but me being me, cant stay too long away from my PC, so i went home. and here i am. eating my egg tarts as i type. hehe...

ooo... i told my bestie about MrTQ (i'm starting to use codes now, like syu...). MrTQ is just a nice person i've been talking online with. best part is, he listens and gives nice and expected answer from a doctor. yes, he's working hard to get his docterate(correct spelling?). so anyway, eversince khai got his gf and my bestie busy with exams and gf, i might as well find another confidante. so far, Nafil is a great one. everyday, he had to hear budiman's name. just now, he was like,"Eh, senyap aje kau harini? takde perasaan marah lagi eh?nama bermula huruf B dah takde lagi eh?" haha... i think that's the code for me to shuddup about budiman and find another confidante.

in-fiddlity

in-fiddilty me.

wat a weekend. let's see... weekend was spent working,mainly. but sunday was extra special. i only started work at 1am. yes. 1am. took the day off to go to Lynna's place for makan2. yippe. nice delicious food welcome me, Isk and Fai as we came together. got the car for the day too as my sister was busy with cycling. met Azza at Lynna's place too. didnt get to stay long cos i had some arranged with the Ji peeps for Karaoke. even though it wasn't full-force, it still went well. at the end of the session, i felt unsatisfied with the session. i dunno why. but maybe it's because there's too many of us. then went to Fong Seng to satisfy my craving for Nasi Lemak. hee... sat there til like 12 plus when i had to leave for work.

there was this funny incident when i was at Sengkang to close the shop at 2am. while waiting for BigBen, me and nafil decided to pump our bikes first. so we left Zaidi for awhile and promised to buy him hot tea. so while me and nafil was at the Mobil on YCK road, i notice the big Gardenier van. somehow, the driver forgot to lock one of his doors. i was stunned at first, so i tried waving at the driver to tell him to lock it. but i supposed he didnt notice me. so what happened was, as the driver was making a left turn to the main road, his trays of bread fell off the road. hahah. it was a funny sight lah... it was like more than 20 trays of bread fell off the van. basically, the first 2 lanes on the road was blocked by bread. haha. so me and nafil rushed to help the driver lah.. kecian kan... in teh end, he gave us a loaf of bread. ape lagi.. me and nafil went to the coffeeshop, bought teh and kopi. Nafil,zaidi and me had hot drinks and bread to fill our tummy first! haha.

reached home at 6am and off to sleep. woke up at 2pm, went to school and then another round of karaoke with Nafil. he brought along another fren Mas. haha... now i'm satisfied. we sang all the songs i couldnt sing the day before. even though it was only 3 of us, it was a lot of fun. when we sing punk song, we skank together2. when we sing dangdut songs, we gelek2 together. when we sing mat rockers' song, we sing arm-in-arm with lighters on. hee... after that, we went to this place called Sprize at River Valley road. not bad lah the kedai kopi.

reached home about an hour ago. overall, the past 2 days was happening enough for me. all because i'm trying to keep myself occupied. really occupied. as many of u know, that person had somehow left spore recently , yet he still lives in my head. i dunno eh. sometimes, i'm just making myself like a fool, tau. u see, there's this blog that i've been reading these few days. and somehow, i'm just affected quite badly. i know i'm not suppose to be like this, but it just hurts. u see and try to understand this. i've been with this person for like more than 2 years and apparently, he hasn't been the greatest person on earth, but i just wanna be with him b'cos of how we're closely attached to each other. no matter how i left him know how i feel, he's apparently very cold to me for the last few weeks. all beacuse of HER.

i'm just glad that we're taking this time apart. i really do not wish to care now whether or not he wants to be with me or not. i just feel that since this other girl really feels strongly for him and how he feels for her, then i might as well just let it be. like they say, let the ones u love go for them to be happy.

horror-scope

my horror-scope for today

You're no wheeler-dealer. You're no huckster, and you're not a shuckster, either. You're not a cheater at cards or an inventor of convenient truths. Though being so honest can get you in trouble sometimes it is also one of your greatest strengths. You're a rock-solid human being with rock-solid principles, and when you think a plan is a good one, the people around you can trust your judgment. Share that judgment today.

Gossips and lyf

Gossip and Lyf

the usual gossips that we young ppl like to look forward that involves within the circle of frens. e.g: she's dating the ex's best fren, he's sleeping with that slut from the corner. but in my life right now, the "happening" gossips involve my sisters. even though the number 4 is not a bog number, but 4 sisters is enough is to create a happening scene. like i've said before, i've got a dysfunctional family. it only takes 4 siblings and a quirky pair of parents to do this. so anyway, practically, one of my sisters is receiving her own karma. sigh.. but fiddy being a renovated-fiddy, i stay out. it's not that i'm selfish, but if any of u were there for me for the last 4-5 years, u will exactly know the meaning of "Once Bitten, Twice Shy".

i've helped tt sister enough. in fact, helping her made me a helpless person now. when i'm in my ruts, where is she? but i'm thankful to God for blessing me with a great 3rd sister who was there for me each day. she covered every lie i told to my mum for breaking the curfew, she paid my schools fees and give me shelter when my parents are having their own counter-strike at home. and as for the rest of them who are so-called known to be "sisters", where were they when i needed help? adakala eh, fiddy macam nak cakap aje, "Sape ni kakak sekarang? aku ke kau?" My own trust funds placed aside by my parents for them to oversee my every single need when i'm in school. now where isit? how come i still have to get help from my 3rd sister? how come i have to earn my own money to have allowances? how come i had to work and study at the same time? all thanks to the girls who made it happen lah...

but i know God had arranged this lyf for me for a reason. i kept telling myself that it's ok. maybe it's meant to be for me to be the last sibling standing. the one who will conquer it all. the one who they will never look down on. ah yes. have i ever said that my so-called sisters (except the 3rd one) looks down at me? they think that studying at age of 23 is a waste of time. they will compare themselves to me cos they started working (permanently) at the age of 18-20. they think that i'm just gonna be big-headed just because of my papers. sigh... now look at their life and compare to mine. even though i have nothing to my name (except my KittyWave), i have pride and dreams. sigh.. we'll just see who have the last laugh,k?

sometimes eh, me and my 3rd sister would just reminise the times when all of us are under one roof. nak gaduh pasal toilet, sape nak cuci pinggan mangkuk dan sape pakai baju sape... haha. seriously, i missed those days. i missed that very day when i was in K2 and no one picked me up when i alighted the school bus. in the end, the bus driver sent me up to my house. i missed that very day when my 3rd sister stayed up with me caused i was anxiously waiting for my parents to get home from a dinner party. i missed that very day when my mum came back from France and she bought me this really cool bag that says "France is Cool". haha...

but now, eversince the 3 of them got married and brought into their lives with problems, this house seems so much quieter. only during occasional weekends the brats will come and kecoh the whole place and start hiding my bears. i just wanna say that being the youngest is the most pressurizing position. most frens think that i have a great life of being manja and everything. but no, i don't. just imagine this. my parents actually forgot to enrol me into k1. so yes, i actually skipped K1 and enrolled the following year for K2. haha....

for all of you who have siblings that are not married or still young, have a good life,k? don't have one like mine. it's dreadful. and don't freaking your own parents for the mistakes u do. it's your life,so it's your mistakes. i never blamed my parents for anything except the day my 3rd sister left this house. other than that, i believed that God had His reasons.

Let's move on to happy things,aight?

It was a nice holiday wasn't it? i begin mine by reading Pe'ah's blog. hmm... interesting but like i said, nothing now will bring me back to that chapter i've closed. It rained whole morning. i planned the night before to sleep thru til 2pm, but mum just had to wake me up at 12 with her radio. but i went back to sleep again at 3pm til ard 5pm when i had to forced myself to go to work. thank goodness it didnt rained then. but really very cold on the road with the wind.

i've finally finished editing Rafiq's report for SEP. yea, i know. i'm just too nice. i have this tendency to not say No to frens who needs help. in fact i extended my effort to help Nur, but he declined. anyway, i'm glad these guys are gonna end their report soon. i just do not want them to lag in studying the other subjects.

the night before, all of us actually chilled out at Alif after i closed shop. practically, talked about the upcoming holidays. me and isk had finally decided to go on out back-packing trip to India in September. i really hope we will make it. Goa just seems like a dream for now. i wanna make it a reality.... then we all planned to make a trip to one of m'sia's islands this June. maybe a 5-day thingy. something we called "BachelorPlusFiddy-Party-Getaway-For-Rafique-Before-August". so yea, maybe by 15th or 16th this thing will get on. just one problem. i dunno if i wanna go. actually i really wanna go. i really do. But i have to become "Husnul-Buai" this time. main reason-Budiman. remember how i said before that, the rest really liked to include him in every event? i mean, e...v....e...r...y.... event.... i sound really childish, don't i? but it seems so wrong for me to go with him around. here i am, writing my own path in life, and there he is.. in every frame of it... sigh. this sucks. remind me not to get involve with another from any group of frens i have. argh.

chapter

chapter...

it's surprising on how ppl would leave a message at Friendster to take note of changes in your profile. there's this line i said something like "I've closed an old chapter at last and hope to open a new one". there was a couple of messages from friends i'm not closed with who asked and stuff.

oh well, i guess i've finally moved on. tt is why i closed that chapter finally. not trying to forget him. but trying to remember our good times. what i learnt about this relationship is that, never underextimate the third party. yikes totally.

recently i found out something bad. the girl that i dislike in school, turns to hate me more than i hate her. yikes. i feel really bad though. i do. really bad. the main reason i dislike her is because she was the main reason for a bad time i had. turns out, she hates me for the bad time she had after my disappearance. weird.

u know what i miss right now? a walk from city hall mrt to memorial park ("Memo" in skaters' term) to esplande. yes. i miss that. i really do. it feels nostalgic u know. in fact, its adds a little feeling of being in love through that walk. if it's any consolation to anyone who knew me long enough, tt's one of my fav walks in my life with someone i really like.

lyf not so rosy

lyf not so rosy afterall

all i thot that i need now is jus the stress coming from my finals. surprise,surprise. Singtel decided to send me a hefty huge sum of amount due. u see, my personal home line and broadband is under yours-truly. the number of units for my house falls under 2500units, which cost approx $14.60. plus my monthly broadband like $57. i spent less than $100 a month although i'm an addict on my Internet. well,tt's the target u see for my monthly bills. less than $150 for hp and less than $100 for home/Internet.

BUT eversince my 2nd sis persuaded me to sign up for her the house line under my name, my heart skipped a beat when i saw the digits in my bill just now. all the empty promises of paying the account since January seems really empty like her head now. according to my records, since she last paid $xxx in January, she stopped paying since and now it choked up to like near my progress package money. WTF! i was so pissed off. how can there be anyone in this world who spent 14900units for house line which cost $103 and using the internet with the same f*cking line that cost $179. my gawd.. my jaws dropped. so now my Internet connection is at stake. and everyone knows how cranky and lifeless i get if i do not log on the net for even one day.

i know my 3rd sis will give me the "I told you so" speech if i tell her about this. sigh. just my luck seh.... but out of sudden, the prize money for AR of USD$100,000 seems so near, yet so far. argh.

so yes, practically, i'm like working my ass off til next month just to cover back the bill. i do not know when she will pay and obviously, no more miss-nice-girl now. i know i should asked her to pay immediate. but me being me, just too soft. if she wont pay, then fine. she's the one who insisted the bad blood between us. then so be it. Kakak or not kakak, this means war. i just hate it when this type of things happen. the things that make u and ur siblings at war because of MONEY. Argh. this is so c.r.e.a.m. Just when i thot of buying new shoes this month,i had this coming. WTF. argh!!!! i can forget about starting to save for that bali-trip-that-syu-didnt-asked-me-to. haha....

okok.. happier stuff. studied quite a lot just now. SE of cos. come to 11pm, we all decided to call it a day and head for Dosai at Rowell ... yummy... i didnt ride cos it was raining, so Nur drove and pimp us in. hehe. walked around Mustafa center and i finally got that Inul "Senam Disco". call me lame, but WATEVER. i bought it cos i watched the trailer and feel that it's quite of good use to follow the steps in the workout. need to lose weight and why not do it at wat i do best... dance/aerobics. afterall, remember the big space i have in my room? might as well use it for dance movement. yippe. another item to add to my "Things-to-do-after-2th-June".

karma

karma.Kilimanjaros.

for my subject SE, it's preety much easy in many of my coursemates' eyes. to me.. nah..... u see, for our project (remember the mugging days?), we had to put theory into practice for the documentation and programming. now, for the paper we'll be sitting for on 18th May, we have to put back the practical into theory. argh... likewise, i've got to like revise back the Life Cycle, Prototying and bla bla bla... argh.

had the urge to get new shoes today... but didnt feel right cos (1) i would be spending (2) i can use that 2 hours of surveying for shoes for a chapter on SE. haha.

BUT,I STILL went to watch Half Light with Nafil,Mas and Faisal just now. haha.. it was just a whole lot of laughter in the theatre. there was like only the 4 of us and another couple in the whole place. i guessed it's because the place is pretty new. remember the good ol' days of Cathay? well, they've reopened the place. pretty chic now u know. i still remember my dad brought me there to watch Little Mermaid and i had to sit hugging my knees cos i remembered seeing a rat running across. haha... now, no more rats. just Mat Remps to replace them.

after that a session of slacking at Bencoolen with them where i met Tumbuck too. anyway, we crapped fromm all sorts of things. from pocong to clubbing days. haha... it was full of laughter when i said my first club was Kilimanjaros. they all was all in awe. haha... i was amazed too la... i was like wat? sec 3?? haha. that's pretty back then. now all of us are retirees from clubbing... well.. for a short while til we all get our professional lines. haha.

supposedly had to meet Budiman to go Mustafa centre for his stuff. but... i kinda pulled it off cos of personal reasons. hmm.. i just dun wanna talked about it. eversince his "I dunno how to answer tt qns" of the question of "hope", everything just changes.

later no tuition!! yippe. can study longer in school! haha... how pathetic does that sound to u?

OMG (X10)

OMG (X10)

OMG. the full UOL Exam Timetable is out. my total fears are totally frightened out. u see, all of us (Mngs IS students, that is) assumed that our ISP and SE papers would be towards the end of the exam period. and totally shocked now, it turns out that our SE paper is the first for us. it falls on the 18th MAY!!!!! That's like 5 weeks from now?!!?!? argh... so now, i'm kinda in a panic mode that our paper is early than expected. i guess it's a blessing too cos, our ISP falls on 2th JUNE. which means, my finals will officially end for me on that day. yippe?? well, not so-yippe now. but hey, i end pretty early,huh? i mean, ppl like Rafiq, will have exams til 13th/14th June. i'm not trying to laugh about it but hey, at least he has the extra time now.

sigh... i think i gotta go up in gears to really study hard... i mean, i realise that if i dun excel in SE, i think i should have changed course 2 years back. hee...??

i failed to turn up for the farewell kenduri. rafiq sounded "off" on the phone when he just claimed "Eh, kita budak2 macam lemau tau, pasal Ruby tak datang...Ape ni, Mummy??" i was like.. woah.. ok.. let's step back for awhile. for one, he pretty didnt much see my situation. but wat the hell.

called my mak-mertua-tak-jadi just now to apologize regarding my absence. she was pretty tired and all so forgiving. better yet, i think she was on the phone with me for like 20min. sigh.. chatty old lady. takpe lah Cik. Idah kasi peluang bagi anak2 dara lain jadi anak menantu Cik. Jangan si Budiman pulak cari anak HANTU!! but anyway, i told Budiman tt is she needs any help when he's not around, she can just call me. i dun mind at all helping her. besides, she's a nice person and pretty much too dependent on him. i guess i can just call up on her once in a while to look out things for him while he's gone.

let's move on to happier things,shall we?

a fren of mine actually analysed my picture (the one i took with the mortar hat). he's a major in psychology and pretty much a nice guy helping out in counselling stuff at the homes. so he looked at my pic and just analysed that i'm someone with great expectations especially with the mortar. he added that my pose is something i've been working on and pretty much a natural pose for me. lastly, he said that i look pretty cute in any hat. haha... anyway, i think he's pretty right with the expectations thingy. i guessed, over the years of growing up in this family, it taught me to have expectations that's worth reaching for. i mean, i have parents to feed. my main aim is to actually support my mum before she reach 60. i would rather see her at home or just going out and socialising with her frens in her late years.

oh well, we'll just see how far i can go k?

got finals to reach!!!! got mortar to wear!!!!

saturday night

saturday night burnt.

sometimes i pity myself. i let others be happy. i help others more than myself. i let others feel that i'm always the wrong or guilty party. i let myself to work each time i'm free cos i like to avoid the plentiful emptiness of my social life. when's the last time any of my gfs or frens asked me out? erm... probably a long time ago. they are either busy with their other group of frens or just plain dating with their bf. me? hmm... i feel pathetic. so yes, another saturday burnt at work. it was worth it i guess. i mean, at least my income keeps running in. the other times when i'm free, it will only be used up to study. dating? hmm.. let's just postpone this whole process ok?

i guess this lifestyle of mine will keep on going like this till June steps in. i mean, it's quite an easy lifestyle to maintain since the exams are approaching. 7 weeks til my first paper. sigh... come to think about it. compare myself to my bestie who has an active lifestyle now with his werk and gf, hmm.. at least i have one less aspect (boyfriend) to worry about. hee.. lucky me???

i bet when May steps in, i would be too occupy to study than work. already told the "boss" that i would be officially off duty in May, unless she really needs me. after yesterday's graduation, it really woke me up to really bloddy damn study hard for this last lap. sigh.. ingat senang eh? sigh.

ok. enough about school,aight?

seriously, i've been wanting to travel after my exams. found out about Goa. a place in India. sounds interesting u know.In fact, India is at the top of my list, then it's Tokyo. but of cos, if all fails, i'm just back in KL, since now i know the roads pretty well. hehe... sigh.. how pathetic is that......

i amazed myself at times

I amazed myself at times.


had fun at school yesterday. posing and more posing. sharing the limelight with all the graduates of 2006 of UOL. well, it will be like a year from now that my turn will come. hehe... hopefully,though.

yes, i was supposedly to be studying. in fact, for the day, i managed to close on chapter 6 of HRM. i hope to do more, but having frens like azza and lynna, i just had to join in the fun. hmm.. fun. i do not know why but the fun seems to just paused when i saw him coming thru the crowds. maybe it was because of the earlier part of the day. u see, he asked help regarding his farewell kenduri this sunday. help as in, if i could borrow my sis car and help him carry the stuff from the market and back home. u see, when i used to have my own wheels, i would willing help. but now, it would be at the dispense of others and now it's esp my sister.

especially now, i feel that i'm being taken advantage again. this gut feelings came about like a long time ago when i found out that i've got revenues that is hard to resist. i mean, yes i know ppl who knows ppl in my little network. anyway, why ask me for help? he always talk about his friends who listen or advice on his problems and how (*ehem*ehem*) fiza would listen to his problems the way i don't. why not ask them for help? they got wheels too. why does it have to be me? and for a fact (i'm not being petty here,but i'm being sensitive), he purposedly had funnily and jokingly pronouce my sister's name wrongly to mock at it. i mean, what the hell!!!! u want me to borrow her car and u expect me to laugh along for the fact that u're mocking at her name?!~!!

argh. no, Fiddy. don't let him get to you. i just hate the fact that most of our frens still sees him for the fact that I'M THE ONE WHO LET HIM DOWN. Don't say i'm over-sensitive. but i know. it's the fact that he's the pious one now, he's leaving for umrah now, he's the one trying to make this whole thing work. then me???? did anyone see i was the one being treated like a wall when we're around frens? did anyone see when i'm trying hard to fix this relationship? did anyone see that i'm being at second place when (*ehem*ehem) Fiza is at the top place. oh wait, does anyone even know that (*ehem*ehem) Fiza existed? yea, of cos, he must have told them that (*ehem*ehem) Fiza is just a friend and doesnt exist any where in his heart. yea of cos. they will believe that. they definitely won't believe if Fiddy is the one who says that he and (*ehem*ehem) Fiza kissed and held hands and gawd knows wat else went on.

great,now i feel that he has taken over my whole agenda of things to say in my blog too. argh. what the hell is wrong with me?!

Anyway, good news came last night when my only girl best friend in the whole world told me that she's getting married. OMG OMG OMG. suddenly i felt the whole world just had to turn its back on me. yet, i'm so happy for her. really i am. even though we rarely see each other, she would always tell me how wonderful VJ is and how nice it would be to walk down the aisle with him. they are so in love. sigh.. i wanna be so in love too. but... oh well.

i'm apparently dissed at Khai these days. Eversince he got attached and everything, i somehow feel that he still wants the best of both worlds. i'm happy that he and siti are greatly in love. but i feel that the world me and khai have is somehow different. oh well, i always hate to come in between besties and bestie's gf. in fact, i should only exist as a common fren and nothin more.

oh well, i gotta work now. heard it's raining at sengkang now. argh i hate to wear raincoat.

hair

a little about hair.

a little info about me. i have this mindset that differentiate myself from my sisters. yes, they all grew up properly with a the "great" guidance coming from our "perfect" parents. they are happily married and seemed to be little over-OK in their life. the big difference from me and the rest of the Irni-s in the family (including my niece Irnisha), is that, i tend to be more unique. haha. i break many rules. in fact, i think i break more rules than them.

i just had to say that, don't i?

anyway, i think my hair is getting longer too fast. it was just 2 weeks back that i trimmed my hair. now it seems that my blonde streaks are curtain-ing my eyes once again. hmm.. maybe i should just cut it super short. darn. i can't. i would look fat. too fat.

got a nice offer from a fren over at KL who emailed me regarding the next big concert down there. offered me accomodation and tickets just to accompany him for the concert.

















like totally.. woah. haha. i really wish i could get away for that weekend. but i rather not. i'm like left with 7.5 weeks til my first paper and i'm no where completing any subjects. i know i only got 2.5 units (haha to my bestie who has to take 4.5units), but they are still huge. about 13chapters for the first 2 units. like totally... woah.

digressing to the new Peterpan tune that i've been hearing these days. hmm.. pretty much a contradict song to the previous tune. TakBisakah has this phrase that says "Tak Bisakah kau menugguku,hingga nanti tetap menunggu..."

so here's the lyrics for this new tune i like.

Peterpan Featuring Chrisye - Menunggumu

Di dalam sebuah cinta
Terdapat bahasa
Yang mengalun indah
Mengisi jiwa
Merindukan kisah
Kita berdua
Yang tak pernah bisa
Akan terlupa

Bila rindu ini masih milikmu
Kuhadirkan sebuah tanya untukmu
Harus berapa lama aku menunggumu
Aku menunggumu

Di dalam masa indah
Saat bersamamu
Yang tak pernah bisa
Akan terlupa
Pandangan matanya

Menghancurkan jiwa
Dengan segenap cinta
Aku bertanya

Aku menunggumu
Dalam hati ku menunggu
Dalam hati ku menunggu
Aku...
Dalam lelah ku menunggu
Dalam letih ku menunggu
Aku...
Masih menunggu

Bila rindu ini masih milikmu
Kuhadirkan sebuah...
Harus berapa lama harus berapa lama A
ku menunggumu aku menunggumu
Aku menunggu...
aku menunggumu

old smug

old scums + Fiddy

the nice ppl at tampines had welcomed me in great arm lengths to the old scums gang. it consist of 2 old smug, a blonde bitch and a Kakak Nico. hehe... in general, they call themselves old scums. but just one problem. the AGMs are always at tampines. and smart rider like me knows tt ,tt is quite a distance to go to. haha...

anyway, Azhar Scum had emailed me the phrase we've been looking for! remember the movie V for Vendetta? the opening phrase he said to Evey, when they first met? it's like so cool... here goes.

"Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is it vestige of the vox populi, now vacant,vanished, as the once vital voice of the verisimilitude now venerates what they once vilified. However, this valorous visitation of aby-gone vexation, stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose vis-à-vis an introduction, and so it is my very good honor tomeet you and you may call me V."

truthfully, i do not understand half of the things he said. but overall, it's cool. hehe.

a little digress here. last night we studied at NUS. just the 4 of us. then budiman came. hmmm.... anyway, the guys came earlier, but i joined them from 10pm. left the place closed to 3am cos the boys were pretty shagged. i think we're gonna study there again soon. it's quite a comfty place to start with.

anyway, i talked to budiman over at MSN a few minutes ago. and somehow, i realised how contradictive he is. truthfully, i dun feel much different. he doesnt make me feel the way i'm suppose to feel. like i said, contrdictive is his first flaw. firstly, everyone, i just need to know something. anything. just hope he will say something to rest my soul. but til now, he never did. and i just have to quote this:

"look...ur really very special to me,,if i don think wanna be back to u, i wouldnt say to gimme time and space to think,,all i wanna say is plz don hope too much ,,just pray and hope the best"

i dont get it. i'm suppose to feel special tt if he doesnt want us to be back again, he wouldn't ask for the time and space? and i'm not suppose to hope for alot? what?? wat the hell??

argh... move on Fiddy..... just keep moving on.

3rd april

hmm.. 3rd april.

finally. april. hmm.... got exactly 8 weeks til my first paper. cant remember if it's HRM or MSM first. but it doesnt matter cos both are back-to-back. sigh.. schedule of studying... yea.. it's there, but not complete. haha... jus worried if i can make it in time to complete my revision. nothing much for this week, just mainly studies and work at night. oh of cos. tuition.

anyway, it's around 3am now. no, i'm not insomic. i just got home an hour ago. sengkang and punggol just closed. tiring man. it raining like mad earlier. supposedly, Mng had an outing today. but it was cancel. so i worked. khai and Azhar scum asked me along for the picnic jus now, but i turned away, cos i'm just in no mood for anything that involve alot of ppl. haha..

budiman sounded diff today. on the phone. i dunno know eh... maybe it's just another way of getting my attention. one thing about him that i dislike is the fact that he cant decide whether to have me or not.he just cant decide. sigh. i'm just tired of that. everyone who knows me tells me the same thing. maybe i'm too weak. that is why he is treating me like this. u know... taking advantage of my patience and everything. sigh... i just want to move on. his departure is 10days away. still indecisive to turn up or not. but i bet fiza and whoever his frens-who-likes-her-being-with-him will be there too. maybe i shall not spoil the day for him.

let's be more positive shall we??

feel like karaoke this week. really. i dunno who to ask. Nafil and I are on-to-go for this sort of thing. so maybe shall round up shaipul and gf. who else eh....? hmmm... if i ask any of the Mng.. hmm... sometimes now i hate to ask them. cos eversince the Wild & Wet plans went bonkers, i give up. they will always ask "Where's budiman?", "Dia tak keje eh harini?" and "Kau dah call budiman lum?". and when i answer tt he's busy or working, they will somehow cancel the plans of going. argh. *shrug* so.. whatever.

seriously. this are all signs of departuring in silence for me. wat the heck! it's our final year together in school. but everyone seems to be... sigh..dunno eh.

MAT REMP

mat rempit

it was a tough saturday that i had to go through. but thanks to nafil, we had a lot of laughs and jokes. it was after work when we chatted at Teh Tarik Tampines, til we didnt realised the times. i finally know him more. we're pretty much similar during our growing up days. some how, i can relate my life story to his. now, u wonder, how did we end up at tampines since bazaar is at sengkang. hee.. well... i had some stuff that i wan budiman to have. and i was only free after work to pass it to him. but i didnt meet him. didnt have the guts. i was so scared of just breaking down in front of him. so i just left it at his bike. nafil was nice enough to accompany all the way. so yea, upah him with some rojak and mutton chop at Teh Tarik.

about me and budiman? hmm... well i dunno how to explain. i talked to both my bestie, Khai and Shaipul. they gave me sound advice that i think i would probably take because i should have done it a long time ago the moment i heard about fiza. sometimes it' true that i'm weak. really weak. i thought i was strong. but thanks to budiman who made me realise that i'm weak. i just do not know if it's a good thing or not.

kau nabcur kan hati ku

Kau hancurkan hati ku.

I know u guys are gonna have to bear with for a while while i get really emo these days. i just cant help it. that 's fiddy for u. i get really emo when i'm down or sad.

Ku Katakan Dengan Indah - Peterpan

ku katakan dengan indah
dengan terluka hatiku hampa
sepertinya luka menghampirinya

kau beri rasa yang berbeda
mungkin ku salah mengartikannya
yang kurasa cinta

* tetapi hatiku selalu menginginkanmu
terlalu menginginkanmu
selalu menginginkanmu

reff: kau hancurkan hatiku, hancurkan lagi
kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu
kau terangi jiwaku. kau redupkan lagi
kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu

repeat *
** membuatku terjatuh dan terjatuh lagi
membuatku merasakan yang tak terjadi
semua yang terbaik dan yang terlewati
semua yang terhenti tanpa kuakhiri

kau buatku terjatuh dan terjatuh lagi
kau buatku merasakan yang tak terjadi
semua yang terbaik dan yang terlewati
semua yang terhenti tanpa kuakhiri

repeat *
reff2: kau hancurkan hatiku, tak tertahan lagi
kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu
kau terangi jiwaku, kau redupkan lagi
kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu

repeat reff

31st March

remember. remember.

all these while, i thot i am happy. projects are done. study schedule is up. AR video done. Debts to mr.angel done. i just need to save up now for my solo project for the last quarter of this year. then. it all snapped. it took fingers to snapped to just turn the tables on me.

i would no longer need to hide this from the world now about my feelings. because it's almost everyone who knows me well would know why i'll be moody or angry for the day. just one name will get them to know. Budiman.

just a few days ago (til yesterday) i constantly show my feelings of anger and jealousy he talks about her. how he had secretly met her. honestly, i've become more open in our conversations on how i would talk to khai or Mat or shaipul. i would tell him my honest opinions. but no. he had to have some dust hidden underneath the rug. yet... yet, a few hours ago, he told me they went to watch a movie. at my most precious and favorite cinema. he actually let her pillon on his bike and sent her home. then he tells me nothing is going on. how is that possible? how can "nothin" means giving her kisses and holding on her hands? how is "nothin" feels more to describe me than her? and suddenly, thanks to A, it all seems like a revenge.

seriously, i'm at my edge right now. i feel that everything seems to be on the table now. everything. i cried non-stop. i thot i had everything OK in my life. i maintain everything in life properly. til now. i let my guard down. i hate myself for that. i let him hurt me more deeply than he ever did. i thot talking to A would help. but she didnt. i was already at the verge of just blowing off every single steam in me. i called khai. even though i know he has a gf now, but i just find that he is the only person who i can talk to about this. and i'm glad i called him. thanks,khai. i kept sobbing and crying when we talked. he agreed with me when i said that if i meant something to budiman, he wouldnt do this to me. then i remembered what i saw on Azza's blog.

"No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry."

i guess the past heartbrokens are incomparable to this time. this time, i finally opened my eyes and realised that all my sacrifices was never worth a second thought to budiman. and he failed. he failed to realised that i had feelings. if he knew i had feelings, he wouldn't have done this to me.if i meant something to him, he wouldn't make me cry.

now i have no one to turn to. i guessed he already got my frens from school on his side. he got his pcg frens to like that gal. i'm ok, but i'm just really heartbroken. never in my life i would actually do this. right now, i just wan to move on. if it means changing my numbers or finding new frens, i'll do it. i just want to live my life now. i need to get him out of my system.and if it means working and studying non-stop, i'll do it. if it means throwing every single thing i have of him or stop going to Plaza singapura, i'll do it.

i really need my friends right now. i really do. but every number in phone list kinda seems.... well i dunno, i just cant call any of them. so yes, i called khai. and i'm really glad i call him. but i sure need somebody else to talk to now. i dunno if i can do this alone. i thot i can. but turns out, it's best for me to be with friends. but then again, considering the number of frens i have, i guess i'll just have endless of werk to be with.

as for now, since i know i meant nothing to that someone, it's about time i close this whole chapter on him. may budiman and fiza be happy forever.


Pudar - Rossa

kurasakan pudar dalam hatiku
rasa cinta yang ada untuk dirimu
ku lelah dengan semua yang ada
ingin ku lepas semua

setan dalam hati ikut bicara
bagaimana kalau ku selingkuh saja
ku punya banyak teman lelaki
sepertinya ku kan bahagia

reff
mestinya kau cari pengganti diriku saja
karena kita sudah tak saling bicara
pastikan cerita tentang kita yang telah lalu
hanya ada dalam ingatan hatimu

maafkan aku jika kau kecewa
bintangmu bukan lah untuk diriku
jika memang semua kan jadi cerita
ku tahu kau semakin terluka